So yeah, me again.

Has been a VERY long time since I last updated this blog.......... Not going to apologise, it's been due to my living life to the max, and although I do regret not maintaining my journal, I've been doing a lot to make up for it!

I don't foresee any need for any future entries, but you never know...

If anyone stumbles across this, I'd encourage you (If at all interested) to go back and read through my blog, things have changed a lot, and If you are struggling with mental health issues, take heart things can, and WILL get better, I am living proof!

Anyhoo, It's been years since my last update so this final post, I imagine will be a biggie.

In my last post, I'd moved into a new flat, been to weddings, started socialising, made new friends, lost weight, gained said lost weight again, but generally things were on the up!
Well since then I am sincerely delighted to say the upward track has become steeper and the rewards nothing short of spectacular.

I stayed in that flat for around a year and a half, then due to a change of circumstances had to move back into my family home, was nice to have that option, and as always I am hugely grateful to my parents for their support, and encouragement. Moving home, meant I was sharing again, and took a lot of getting used to after over a decade of living on my lonesome. It also meant my position on the council housing list took a great hike, and within six months I was offered a flat, in the centre of Ayr.
Which Is where I am sitting typing this.

During the stay at my folks, and also in the flat prior, I made a rather life changing decision.
After many years struggling with my weight, the yo-yo dieting, comfort eating, binge eating, etc etc I went in to my doctors to ask for advice. My GP inquired as to whether I had ever considered weight loss (bariatric) surgery (in truth I'd been looking into it, for months). I asked to be referred to the bariatric team, for more information.
Within a number of weeks, I had had my initial surgical consultation, and was accepted to join the education program, which would give me the skills, and information I would need to make the most from bariatric surgery.
At no point did I feel pressure, and was constantly reminded that it is my decision, and that even if I changed my mind walking to theatre, It was OK to say sorry but no.
The six week group, taught  us the do's and don't's surrounding surgery, post and pre op.
From the image, I began this post with, you can guess, that, yes, I chose to have the procedure carried out.
For those who think it a quick fix, or an easy way to lose weight........ I call your BS!
I went through what was a major, life threatening operation. I had a large percentage of my stomach removed by key-hole surgery. I was on a liquid diet pre and post op. I was prepared to, never be able to eat a "regular" portion of food again.

It is ten  months  since I had my Gastric Sleeve, and I truly am a new man, in total, from the beginning, after the initial consultation, I have lost around 11 stones in weight. 10 stones in a year!

So yes, rather significant changes have happened.

My usual up's and down's are no longer an issue, yes they are still there, but I am in complete control, I know how to bring myself out a slump before it becomes a meltdown.
No longer do I suffer anxiety attack on buses, in shops, on trains, in fact I am confident and care-free in every aspect of my life, that I can think of right now......

Towards the end of 2013 I began volunteering in the tearoom of my local hospital, this increased my confidence enough to take on a p/t job working in a friends cafe, I hugely enjoyed both these roles, and appreciated the chance to get back into work.
Unfortunately I did begin to suffer some anxiety whilst working in the cafe, and after consideration believed it was in my best interests to not continue working there, and to put my catering days firmly behind me.

It was a mild and temporary set back, and I am now looking to become a be-friender, I think supporting individuals in the community would be a great step forward for me and would hopefully open up pathways in to similar, paid care positions.

Whilst living with my parents, and as I shrank in body size, I grew in confidence. I felt more lonely than in a number of years. I had been single for a very long time (10+yrs!!!).

After the break up of my last relationship, I completely removed that aspect of my life. My previous girlfriend (who I still treasure as a good mate) towards the end of our relationship, was no longer my g/f, but more-so my carer.
I knew that I had to get myself better, stronger, and stable before even looking for another partner.

When I was living at home my finances weren't as tight, and I decided to subscribe to a dating site, I was rather dubious to say the least but, the old route of meeting girls in bars/clubs wasn't an attractive option.

I went through a few 'getting to know each other' via the sites contact options, and met a couple of very nice girls, though for one reason or another things didn't 'click'.

Then after giving up on someone. She had broke communication with me even though it seemed we were quite well matched, she got back in touch asking to continue the chatting.
I was more than happy to do so, and shortly after we had our first date.
That was a little under three months  ago, and I can truly say, I am so glad she did get back in touch.
I am incredibly happy to have met her, and look forward to every moment I get to spend with her.

I am actually just recently back from visiting my 'new friends' down in England, and she came with me, we also went camping in Yorkshire on our journey home.

In fact it was passing on  the link to her, and letting her read this blog, that prompted me to write this post, and I guess tie things up.

Draw a line under my mental health issues and move on. So thanks Helen.

Many other things have happened, I've continued to socialise, I've been to more weddings, gained more new friends, and generally grown as a person, thriving on whatever new experience comes my way...

So yeah........ I guess looking back through my previous entries in this blog, I am a new man, enjoying a better life than I could previously have imagined.

Even better, I anticipate it doing nothing apart from getting even more wonderful.

To anyone who may be struggling with life.......... If I can get to where I am now.......... Hang on in there, as you will as well!

Andy D.

   














 Taken June 2014........................................................

Hi, as usual I start by saying it's been a while!

When I started this blog I promised myself, I'd keep it going during good and bad times, unfortunately It hasn't worked that way, mostly due to me being a lazy sod!
The past, say 10 days my mood has been deteriorating, with severe anxiety attacks thrown in for fun, at the moment I'm unable to walk more than a few hundred yards from the flat without panicking. I keep repeating the same morning walk, with my dog, and I get to the local park then freak out. This is a bit different to the usual, as the park is not busy. In fact this morning it was only me and the mutt in it, yet I still had a panic attack. After pushing myself half way around the park, I called it quits and retreated, as I have each morning for the past week.

I have been trying to work out why this is happening, I believe it comes down to, the time of year, I always struggle a little around this time, and with the pressure of job searching, being knocked back or simply ignored for every job I apply for, added to the annual slump. These two have triggered the biggest black cloud in a long time to anchor itself firmly above me.

The usual, symptoms are here, withdrawing from my friends, tension headache, anxious to the point of almost being sick, when trying to push myself. Very dark mood, with thoughts of suicide and self-harm which are so real, also a lack of sleep, is making me crabbitt and extremely agitated. Basically it fooking sucks!

I shall continue to push myself, and push away those dark thoughts.

Now for the reason I am writing this blog, to remind myself of what I have achieved since I last wrote.

I have settled in to my new flat well, gotten to know the neighbours well enough that I was invited to the wedding of the young couple who live across the hall from me, I went to their wedding and had a really good time getting to know everyone who lives in the block.

I also went to the wedding of some very good friends, on Arran, which was a wonderful occasion, and I loved being part of it.

Had LOADS of nights out with friends and family, and I can honestly say it is a wonderful feeling not having to get blootered before entering a busy pub, being able to cope with large crowds sober is a good feeling. Not saying I stayed sober all that long though.

These are just a small selection of things I have done, that two or three years ago, I simply couldn't have handled.

This relapse might be a bugger, but I know i'll be even stronger when I come out the other side.

Yet again it has been a long time since I posted a blog.......... Sorry :~|


I have taken a turn for the worse, It's been a good couple of years since I've felt the way I do at the moment, thoughts of self-harm and suicide racing through my mind, popping up at any given opportunity.


With that I mean, 


walking alongside a busy road = thoughts of throwing myself into traffic


Using a knife = Cutting myself 


etc....


I'm sitting writing this as for the past hour I've been researching suicide, and was rather alarmed at just how much information is available on google, and just how many sites there are dedicated to the morbid subject. Not surprising I suppose but still worrying!


I have no plans to do so, and I haven't hurt myself either, but I will not deny the thought of not being here, feeling this way, is very, very appealing. Right at this moment I've had enough, and would welcome the thought of nothingness, and to be....... gone.


I will not can not do something as selfish, I am lucky I have people who care about me, It would definitely be a selfish act on my part to end this. Plus it'd be letting my illness get the better of me!


The thoughts, as disturbing as they are, are just that, thoughts. They don't feel my own, they flit through my mind as if blown in by some evil bastard, the same one that anchored the dark cloud above my head.


It started a couple of weeks ago, after having a great start to 2012 with friends up from England staying with me in my new flat, I was very happy. I started to make plans, to start volunteering, had an interview in the local volunteer centre, but never got to follow up on the advice given. I was to pop in to a local charity shop for an informal chat, that's when the anxiety kicked in, almost as if I had pressed a self destruct button. 


That was the start, mild anxiety, just enough to knock me off my perch, enough to stop me getting into the shop. It has increased since then to pretty severe anxiety attacks, which are at the point where I now cannot walk the dog to usual places, now I'm restricted to the field at the end of my road, even that, last night was a struggle. As my anxiety levels have increased of course my mood has decreased, and have gotten less and less sleep, and for the past week the thoughts have been prolific. Night time is the worst, such a lonely time, and little to distract from the thoughts, which is why I'm here.


This has all been accentuated by the good old benefits agency taking the majority of my money from me, of course I'll appeal but what a kick in the nads opening the letters telling me of termination of benefits. I feel paranoid and victimised (as I expect are a lot  of people in similar circumstances) Anyway tomorrow is Monday I can get in touch with my CPN and possibly GP let them know my situation, and hope they can offer assistance.


I know it'll pass, and I've been told so by most of the people who care, I know, but right now every minute feels a bloody eternity and given my previous experience I know it could be as little as a few more days, to a good few months before I'm back to myself. 


I'll get there.


Next blog to be on a slightly cheerier note.


Promise.


Andy.

So I moved, and I'm now settled in my lovely new flat. The move did bring up a fair bit of anxiety, and my mood dipped, but it's settling and I am back in control.

I am still waiting to hear from Action On Depression, for info on the training sessions, which I shall be attending in Glasgow, training in how to go about setting up a self-help group. This I am still really looking forward to and think it is definitely a good first step into getting back into work. I certainly do not want to be living off benefits for the rest of my days, as many people with my condition seem to do. I'd much rather be working, right now though jumping feet first into full time employment would more than likely do me more harm than good, I am being repeatedly told "baby steps". Who knows where this voluntary work will lead.

Not long till a couple of friends visit from England, few days in Ayr and also visiting a friend up North, which shall be fun, brilliant cheap as chip deals with Travelodge, make it possible, the scenery there, and on the road up is spectacular. So very much looking forward to it!

Walking quite long distances again, and thoroughly enjoying it, covering over ten miles easily. Unfortunately I'm eating like a feckin pig, and although I don't think I'm getting bigger, the weight is not falling off either.
Less munching, more miles is what's needed for sure, still aiming to lose a fair bit of weight before the big wedding in July!

Overall things are great, I just need to keep the momentum moving onwards and upwards :~)

It has again been a good while since I last posted, just recovering from a low period, longest since this time last year. Never been good in the run in to that happy time Christmas.


Was hoping to avoid the winter blues this year but to no avail. It's difficult when things are going so well around me, lot's of positive things happening, yet I'm a sour faced git. Anyway the worst is hopefully behind me now and I wanted to note all the positive advancements that are happening.

I shall soon be moving flat, not far from here but a much nicer area and property, which will be a great leap forward. :~)

Also I recently applied for a couple of volunteer posts, and today I heard back from them both!

The first is actually getting a depression self help group up and running in Ayr, which will be a huge challenge that I'm really looking forward to, it will involve trying to get others to take a role in the building of the group, as it seems I am the first to put my name forward, so I shall get in touch with my CPN and see if he has anyone that would be interested and capable of helping.

The other is for be-friending, people with similar health problems to myself, and I've to go in to the local volunteer office for a interview, to find out more and to be assessed.

I'd imagine both will have to wait till the new year with me moving but both will be big steps for me and who knows where I'll be led from taking part.

EXCITING TIMES!

I have neglected my blog of late, the reason for this is due to my ever improving mental health.

Which is wonderful, but I had intended this to document my good times as well as the not so good.

Soooooo,

I have done an awful lot since my last post, I have been to England several times, to Devon and Cornwall most recently, which was wonderful, and i'm very glad to say I have made some very strong friendships through this internet nonsence, namely Twitter, which does lie unused these days, as I spend more time on Facebook.

Also attended a few parties, nights out and a wedding! All of this still amazes me from time to time as it seems that I have progressed so quickly over the past 12 months, I now still suffer the same initial anxiety in social situations, but it fades and i do not let it control me, i now know how to control it, with breathing and other relaxation techniques.

The dark days still show up now and again, but again they no longer are in control, where in days gone, I would have curled up on the couch and festered in my misery, I now get off my fat arse and move, out walking or if possible i'll meet someone.


Speaking of my fat arse, I am back on a healthy diet and feeling more determined than ever to lose weight, for my good friends wedding in July of next year.

Recently I managed to get five of my photographs put forward for publishing in a local mental health newsletter, through this and the accompanying write up it is hoped that it will give other people who are struggling with mental health issues, incentives to get out in the fresh air with camera, as it has done wonders for me and continues to do so.

I shall continue to update this from time to time,

Andy D

Well I guess it shows that perseverance pays, it is slow progress but i am finding my motivation, and becoming more inspired each day.
I have been out walking and taking photos almost everyday this past week and although it was very demoralising to realise just how unfit i had become, it should deter me from ever letting things slip quite so badly again.
Have met a good few new people on twitter recently, if any find themselves reading this i'd encourage you to go too my first couple of posts so you understand what my blog is about.
One of my new twitter mates was kind enough to post a book on photography to me, how nice is that!
This coming week will be more of the same, lots more walking and lots more photo's, should be fun.
A week tonight there is going to be a family party at my Gran's, it is a get together of my mums side of our family which very rarely happens, and the last party our family will have in the house my grandpa built for his family,it is being sold on to a young couple so hopefully will soon be full of life again!
So all is heading back in the right direction :~)