So this is 2011, has been quite some time since my last blog, things have not been going so well for me of late, been hiding myself away from everything.
It is not a bad relapse just enough to knock me on my arse, been feeling very lethargic which soaks all the enjoyment out of the things that i have been loving doing, no photography, as every picture i take is shit, had also stopped chatting on twitter and facebook, which may not seem like that bad a thing to many people, but when  your contact with others is as limited as mine is, social media sites are usually a god send. When i back off from those it is definitely a sign that things are not going so well.
I have also not returned to weightwatchers, i just have not felt up to it, the thought of going in and putting on weight week by week as i am doing at the moment does not appeal to me.
Today is the start of a new year though so if things are going to change it should be now right??!
The only person who can alter my current situation is myself so today i intend to start that ball rolling, by going a good walk, will be interesting to see how much fitness i have lost over the past month or two of inactivity.
So please wish me  luck :~)
I hope 2011 contains as much joy and positive progress for everyone as 2010 did for me, just a bugger things took a wee nose dive towards the end, ach well back to it i guess
Andy xx

Been a few weeks since i last posted anything, has been pretty hectic, some highs and lows, fortunately more highs.
My Gran passed three weeks ago, she went peacefully with her daughters by her bedside. Her Funeral was the following week and was a fitting tribute to a wonderful lady, i'd like to think she would have approved.
I got through it and the gathering afterwards no problem at all, and it felt really good to be able to offer support to my loved ones instead of being the one who needed it.
The following Monday was my re-arranged trip to England to visit my friends, i never slept very much the night before my journey due to anxiety and excitement but i had expected not too, so that was not a problem, the journey down wasn't the nicest six hours i have spent, cramped in a sweltering hot coach, but i got there and was warmly greeted by Nikki and she led the way to the train station, and her partner John met us at the other end to take me back to there home where i was going to be staying for the next week.
Looking back i am so pleased with myself for doing this even as little as six months ago there is no way i would have contemplated such a journey, and i never even thought about it just did it.
Nikki and John have a lovely home, in a stunningly beautiful area, and were the perfect hosts made me feel very welcome and at ease. I was unsure how easily i would fit in having only spent a few days in there company before but it was wonderful we got on very well, and they are a lot of fun to be with.
We travelled a lot during the week to various places, Bridgenorth, Stratford upon Avon, Warwick Castle, Much Wenlock, and Wales. All places were well chose as they all were beautifully scenic, plenty to see and do. All in all my first holiday in a long time was a total success and i cant wait to visit again, the journey home was much  more pleasant the coach was cooler and i managed to doze away most of the trip, but to be honest if i could have i would have chosen to stay on for  little longer.
After a fantastic week i was hoping my motivation and get up and go would have returned, unfortunately it has not, i am struggling to get out my daily walk and my appetite is for all the wrong things. I skipped weight watchers this week and although i am determined to go next Tuesday at the moment i don't want to, it is as if my sub conscious is playing with me again and turning me away from the things i know are good for me. Is strange to say the least, i haven't been taking photo's since i returned and i therefore have been lapsed on keeping my photo journal up to date, i have stopped jogging (although this may be a good move due to sore hip) i have not been walking enough and eating all the wrong things. It is internal sabotage :)
Nikki has agreed to nag me and to keep reminding me and hopefully this phase will pass but it is not new too me and has caught me in the past dragging me down and leaving me in a dark place. I am stronger now than i have ever been and for the first time in a long time i can honestly say i like myself, so this time i wont let old habits win i shall keep on with what in know is good for me until i enjoy it again.
Whilst i was away my Uncle passed away, he was a good age and would not of gotten out of hospital after a bad fall, so was a blessing. He was a lovely man and a great character, it is his funeral on Friday, and hopefully this will be the last of them for the next wee while.

So another not so good week has past, i cant say bad week these days, as i can still remember my bad weeks and the week past doesn't even compare.
My gran is still hanging on 6 days after being given 48hrs left to live, she is a tough old bird, she is comfortable and in no pain, just sleeping her final days away, not a bad way to go. I'd like to think she is having fantastic dreams and that is the reason she is sticking around.
I'm late in writing this as i was on a downer and every word i typed was negative and i did not want it to be that way. I have struggled with what's going on it had triggered a bit of a dip in my mood and within that i had started to revert back to old habits, mostly eating a lot of junk food and doing a lot less exercise than i had been of late.
Today was supposed to be my weekly weight watchers weigh in, but i could not face going knowing what i had eaten the week past and imagining what the scales were going to say. I sent a message to my leader and got a very encouraging, supportive reply, and because of that i think that all going well i shall go and get weighed in tomorrow morning instead.
I am back on track today, had a good walk, and have refrained from cakes/sweets/crisps etc so things are definitely back on the right road.
I have recently rekindled my interest in Buddhism through a book i bought called " The Places That Scare You" written by Pema Chodron It is exactly what i've been needing an inspirational book written from a Buddhist stand on how to conquer fears using ur beliefs. I am not a Buddhist as such but it is something i keep coming back to time and time again and provides me with a great deal of benefit when things aren't going so good. So maybe i should consider taking it a bit more seriously.
I would very much like to live within Samye Ling (the buddhist centre i have attended in the past) for a few months to experience what it would be like to do so, volunteering in the kitchens, and being able to study and meditate in a supported environment. Will need to look into it i think.
As for this coming week i think it's going to be a whole lot better, i feel emotionally stronger i have slept better the past two nights, and i am better prepared for what lies in wait.
Unfortunately i had to postpone my visit down South for obvious reasons, but it has worked out well as i am now going in a little over a fortnight and staying for a full week. Good times!

This week has been a bit of a tough one, the realisation that my gran will soon be leaving us has hit home a little harder than expected. Is easy to say it is for the best (which it is) but it is still a sad time as she struggles.
Had some really good days all the same, Tuesday i got weighed again and had lost another 2lbs, this week though i have been eating a lot more and comfort eating more than past weeks, so will see what happens come Tuesday this coming week.
After the weigh in i went a wonderful walk with my dad, around the Loch Doon area and got some cracking pictures, was around abouts 13 miles in total.
I have walked around 5 miles a day this week which i am very pleased with, i find that when i'm feeling very low, or anxious a brisk march takes the edge off and i am more mellow which is always a good thing.
As i said it has been tough found out on Friday evening that my gran has had another stroke, and if there is no sign of improvement by Monday, they are going to remove her drip and letter nature take it's course, i do hope that this is how it plays out as she has more than certainly been through enough.
My brother popped round for a little visit last night and i felt better after having some good company, as it's been a lonely few nights, but i will get back on form soon i'm sure.
To morn is natural, but Friday night was dark even by my standards, old thoughts of self harm rearing there ugly head, of course nothing i acted on, i simply went to bed very early.
Last night i slept for a full 9 hours, and went out a walk along the beach, is a fine day here after a frosty start, and it was good to stretch my legs after a full nights sleep, and today is a better day, hopefully tomorrow even more so.
That's about all i have this week, will have some adventures this week so i have something to write next week!
Is only one more week until i head down to England, and although things are a little dark this week, i am very much still looking forward to that :)

Another week gone by very quick again, this week has been mostly consumed by by walking, have marched my way through around 39 miles in the 5 days that i headed out, so far, and intend another 6 miles out to visit my parents later today, is such a fantastic feeling to be able to walk such distances, i find it amazing how my body has recovered from the past decade of outright abuse i inflicted upon it.
I lost another 3lbs last week, so that is 33lbs in total and i am already over the 10% mark which means i have lost 10% of my entire body weight in a little over two months, which i am obviously delighted with.
On Monday this week, i met my mate Chris after a ten mile march, we had coffee, and then decided it was such a nice day we would find a beer garden and have a pint, is always a pleasure to meet Chris, he is always so positive, and full of ideas, i find spending time with him always leaves me motivated, so much so was this true on Monday that i decided to walk out to my parents, which took my total miles covered on Monday to 14!!
Tuesday was slightly less active but i still covered 5 miles, and 11000 steps, not quite the 37,000 from the day before but still bloody good.
Wednesday i met a couple of friends who were also down in Ayr for a few days, John and Kat they are also wonderful friends and i had a great time walking along the beach with them both John with his chip roll in hand :~) And went a little further than normal, made it too the 7 mile mark roughly.
Repeated that walk on Thursday and Friday, Fri was the day i reached 100 pictures published on my Blipfoto journal, and although i did not get the shot i had intended, it was still well received and i got some lovely congratulatory comments.
Sat was my day of rest, and i forced myself to do very little is funny how quickly things change, not too long ago i was 'forcing' myself to get out, and now i have to force myself to stay in and rest :) although i stayed in to rest, i wasn't idle, i started writing with a view of putting a book together, it has been suggested to me a good few times and i think it is a good idea although i am unsure of where to go for help, with my limited knowledge of putting a book together, if anyone would like to read what i have written so far please let me know in comments.
I did receive some sad news this week, my gran is very ill, she has suffered from dementia for a good number of years, and is finally on the road out i think. I have said my goodbye's to my gran a while ago, as the woman left is such a different person, she does not know me, or enjoy me being around her as she is not so fond of men anymore, it is too painful to spend time when neither of us want me there, soo i shan't be visiting her in hospital, as i would rather keep the fantastic memories of my gran that i love, and not the frail old woman who is left, and i believe she would want the same.
Sad news aside it has been an awesome week and I'm looking forward to enjoying the next.

Has been a bloody quick week this past one, and another good one!
Sunday to Tuesday were pretty much written off due to attack of MANFLU version 2.0 second bout in two months so wasn't impressed.
I did go to get weighed in on Tuesday and have lost another 3lbs which takes the weight watcher total to 30lbs lost and only another 2lbs to get to the 10% body weight loss :~)
I have been pleasantly surprised that even though i have been under the weather and at times my sleep pattern has been terrible, my mood has been constantly positive, i am taking this as very much a step forward for me and now feel a lot stronger in my ability to plan things in advance as i can trust that my mood is not as likely to just slip.
Wednesday my aunt took me out for lunch, a nice drive and a tasty lunch was had.
Thursday was just a day around the flat housework and boring stuff like that, but was looking forward to Friday as my brother was bringing a friend round and we were gonna have a wee drink before they went out.
He did not make it out we ended up getting decidedly pished, and he spent the night on the couch was really good fun and i do hope we repeat it with a little less alcohol.
Also on Friday i booked bus tickets to go and visit my friends, who were up here the other week, very excited about it, will be the longest trip i've taken in 7 yrs and first time south of the border in 16 years.
I do occasionally have to stop and check myself to make sure that i'm not imagining that i am able to get on with things the way i have been recently. After all it was only a few years ago i struggled stepping foot over the door, and matter of a year ago that walking out the scheme caused such a violent panic attack that i was physically sick.
Look at me now :~)
And if i can do this who knows...........................................?

Another week another blog, this past week has been great!
I went to Arran to show my friends, Nikki and John what all the fuss was about, i was disappointed in the weather as it was dull, with the peaks all cloud covered, but they both agreed that they liked it like that said it felt like the Scotland they had expected to see. We went to Brodick and Lamlash and had a great time wandering and enjoying the Isle, and i believe a return visit is on the cards.
Tuesday i had to get Terri back as my mum was baby sitting and i got a nurse of young Erin she has to be the most contented baby i've known, adorable. Then it was back to mine, for a visit from my c.p.n, my new c.p.n who seems to be very nice and i think we will get on great, although, as i am on such good form at the moment i wouldn't be surprised if he thought there is and never has been anything wrong with me :~) Then John and Nikki came round for coffee, and took myself and Terri out a drive to Troon, it wasn't the best of weather and they weren't as impressed with the town as they are with Ayr, but Terri loved her wee walk along the beach.
That night we went out for dinner to Ceccinis which is a very nice Italian restaurant in centre of Ayr and had a lovely meal. That was my time up with my new friends for now but i intend going to visit them on their home turf in the imminent future, should be fun.
Wednesday was an awful morning although it brightened in the afternoon i used the morning weather as an excuse to have a very lazy day.
Thursday i hadn't slept too well the night before (probably due to doing nothing all Wednesday) but decided to go out a walk that had been recommended by a friend was a lovely morning and i managed 9 miles of a much longer walk, is the furthest i have been in a very long time.
Friday i suspected I'd be stiff and sore from yesterday's walk but was very pleased that i had no ill effects and managed a walk out to Kincaidston, another 5 miles, and had a delicious dinner, just me and my dad which doesn't happen very often so was nice.
Yesterday i went a walk along the beach, but was windy and rainy, was a very temperamental day, rain and wind off and on all day, i found that although i wasn't suffering any pain from my exertions the past few days my legs were just tired out and didn't agree with the full walk i had planned, still managed a good 5 miles though. Then home and some housework, before rather annoyingly falling asleep for two hours which will be the reason i haven't slept at all so far tonight.
Looking like today is going to be lazy day, it's been raining heavily all night and i reckon it may well continue.

My attitude towards food seems to be changing as the season does, now that it's getting darker, and a bit wilder outdoors, I'm back to being tempted into comfort eating, it certainly isn't to do with my mood this time as although i have problems financially which would have brought me down in the past, i am still on top form, i guess it is just old habits dieing hard, but die they shall.