Hi, as usual I start by saying it's been a while!

When I started this blog I promised myself, I'd keep it going during good and bad times, unfortunately It hasn't worked that way, mostly due to me being a lazy sod!
The past, say 10 days my mood has been deteriorating, with severe anxiety attacks thrown in for fun, at the moment I'm unable to walk more than a few hundred yards from the flat without panicking. I keep repeating the same morning walk, with my dog, and I get to the local park then freak out. This is a bit different to the usual, as the park is not busy. In fact this morning it was only me and the mutt in it, yet I still had a panic attack. After pushing myself half way around the park, I called it quits and retreated, as I have each morning for the past week.

I have been trying to work out why this is happening, I believe it comes down to, the time of year, I always struggle a little around this time, and with the pressure of job searching, being knocked back or simply ignored for every job I apply for, added to the annual slump. These two have triggered the biggest black cloud in a long time to anchor itself firmly above me.

The usual, symptoms are here, withdrawing from my friends, tension headache, anxious to the point of almost being sick, when trying to push myself. Very dark mood, with thoughts of suicide and self-harm which are so real, also a lack of sleep, is making me crabbitt and extremely agitated. Basically it fooking sucks!

I shall continue to push myself, and push away those dark thoughts.

Now for the reason I am writing this blog, to remind myself of what I have achieved since I last wrote.

I have settled in to my new flat well, gotten to know the neighbours well enough that I was invited to the wedding of the young couple who live across the hall from me, I went to their wedding and had a really good time getting to know everyone who lives in the block.

I also went to the wedding of some very good friends, on Arran, which was a wonderful occasion, and I loved being part of it.

Had LOADS of nights out with friends and family, and I can honestly say it is a wonderful feeling not having to get blootered before entering a busy pub, being able to cope with large crowds sober is a good feeling. Not saying I stayed sober all that long though.

These are just a small selection of things I have done, that two or three years ago, I simply couldn't have handled.

This relapse might be a bugger, but I know i'll be even stronger when I come out the other side.

Yet again it has been a long time since I posted a blog.......... Sorry :~|


I have taken a turn for the worse, It's been a good couple of years since I've felt the way I do at the moment, thoughts of self-harm and suicide racing through my mind, popping up at any given opportunity.


With that I mean, 


walking alongside a busy road = thoughts of throwing myself into traffic


Using a knife = Cutting myself 


etc....


I'm sitting writing this as for the past hour I've been researching suicide, and was rather alarmed at just how much information is available on google, and just how many sites there are dedicated to the morbid subject. Not surprising I suppose but still worrying!


I have no plans to do so, and I haven't hurt myself either, but I will not deny the thought of not being here, feeling this way, is very, very appealing. Right at this moment I've had enough, and would welcome the thought of nothingness, and to be....... gone.


I will not can not do something as selfish, I am lucky I have people who care about me, It would definitely be a selfish act on my part to end this. Plus it'd be letting my illness get the better of me!


The thoughts, as disturbing as they are, are just that, thoughts. They don't feel my own, they flit through my mind as if blown in by some evil bastard, the same one that anchored the dark cloud above my head.


It started a couple of weeks ago, after having a great start to 2012 with friends up from England staying with me in my new flat, I was very happy. I started to make plans, to start volunteering, had an interview in the local volunteer centre, but never got to follow up on the advice given. I was to pop in to a local charity shop for an informal chat, that's when the anxiety kicked in, almost as if I had pressed a self destruct button. 


That was the start, mild anxiety, just enough to knock me off my perch, enough to stop me getting into the shop. It has increased since then to pretty severe anxiety attacks, which are at the point where I now cannot walk the dog to usual places, now I'm restricted to the field at the end of my road, even that, last night was a struggle. As my anxiety levels have increased of course my mood has decreased, and have gotten less and less sleep, and for the past week the thoughts have been prolific. Night time is the worst, such a lonely time, and little to distract from the thoughts, which is why I'm here.


This has all been accentuated by the good old benefits agency taking the majority of my money from me, of course I'll appeal but what a kick in the nads opening the letters telling me of termination of benefits. I feel paranoid and victimised (as I expect are a lot  of people in similar circumstances) Anyway tomorrow is Monday I can get in touch with my CPN and possibly GP let them know my situation, and hope they can offer assistance.


I know it'll pass, and I've been told so by most of the people who care, I know, but right now every minute feels a bloody eternity and given my previous experience I know it could be as little as a few more days, to a good few months before I'm back to myself. 


I'll get there.


Next blog to be on a slightly cheerier note.


Promise.


Andy.

So I moved, and I'm now settled in my lovely new flat. The move did bring up a fair bit of anxiety, and my mood dipped, but it's settling and I am back in control.

I am still waiting to hear from Action On Depression, for info on the training sessions, which I shall be attending in Glasgow, training in how to go about setting up a self-help group. This I am still really looking forward to and think it is definitely a good first step into getting back into work. I certainly do not want to be living off benefits for the rest of my days, as many people with my condition seem to do. I'd much rather be working, right now though jumping feet first into full time employment would more than likely do me more harm than good, I am being repeatedly told "baby steps". Who knows where this voluntary work will lead.

Not long till a couple of friends visit from England, few days in Ayr and also visiting a friend up North, which shall be fun, brilliant cheap as chip deals with Travelodge, make it possible, the scenery there, and on the road up is spectacular. So very much looking forward to it!

Walking quite long distances again, and thoroughly enjoying it, covering over ten miles easily. Unfortunately I'm eating like a feckin pig, and although I don't think I'm getting bigger, the weight is not falling off either.
Less munching, more miles is what's needed for sure, still aiming to lose a fair bit of weight before the big wedding in July!

Overall things are great, I just need to keep the momentum moving onwards and upwards :~)