Hi, as usual I start by saying it's been a while!

When I started this blog I promised myself, I'd keep it going during good and bad times, unfortunately It hasn't worked that way, mostly due to me being a lazy sod!
The past, say 10 days my mood has been deteriorating, with severe anxiety attacks thrown in for fun, at the moment I'm unable to walk more than a few hundred yards from the flat without panicking. I keep repeating the same morning walk, with my dog, and I get to the local park then freak out. This is a bit different to the usual, as the park is not busy. In fact this morning it was only me and the mutt in it, yet I still had a panic attack. After pushing myself half way around the park, I called it quits and retreated, as I have each morning for the past week.

I have been trying to work out why this is happening, I believe it comes down to, the time of year, I always struggle a little around this time, and with the pressure of job searching, being knocked back or simply ignored for every job I apply for, added to the annual slump. These two have triggered the biggest black cloud in a long time to anchor itself firmly above me.

The usual, symptoms are here, withdrawing from my friends, tension headache, anxious to the point of almost being sick, when trying to push myself. Very dark mood, with thoughts of suicide and self-harm which are so real, also a lack of sleep, is making me crabbitt and extremely agitated. Basically it fooking sucks!

I shall continue to push myself, and push away those dark thoughts.

Now for the reason I am writing this blog, to remind myself of what I have achieved since I last wrote.

I have settled in to my new flat well, gotten to know the neighbours well enough that I was invited to the wedding of the young couple who live across the hall from me, I went to their wedding and had a really good time getting to know everyone who lives in the block.

I also went to the wedding of some very good friends, on Arran, which was a wonderful occasion, and I loved being part of it.

Had LOADS of nights out with friends and family, and I can honestly say it is a wonderful feeling not having to get blootered before entering a busy pub, being able to cope with large crowds sober is a good feeling. Not saying I stayed sober all that long though.

These are just a small selection of things I have done, that two or three years ago, I simply couldn't have handled.

This relapse might be a bugger, but I know i'll be even stronger when I come out the other side.