Yet again it has been a long time since I posted a blog.......... Sorry :~|


I have taken a turn for the worse, It's been a good couple of years since I've felt the way I do at the moment, thoughts of self-harm and suicide racing through my mind, popping up at any given opportunity.


With that I mean, 


walking alongside a busy road = thoughts of throwing myself into traffic


Using a knife = Cutting myself 


etc....


I'm sitting writing this as for the past hour I've been researching suicide, and was rather alarmed at just how much information is available on google, and just how many sites there are dedicated to the morbid subject. Not surprising I suppose but still worrying!


I have no plans to do so, and I haven't hurt myself either, but I will not deny the thought of not being here, feeling this way, is very, very appealing. Right at this moment I've had enough, and would welcome the thought of nothingness, and to be....... gone.


I will not can not do something as selfish, I am lucky I have people who care about me, It would definitely be a selfish act on my part to end this. Plus it'd be letting my illness get the better of me!


The thoughts, as disturbing as they are, are just that, thoughts. They don't feel my own, they flit through my mind as if blown in by some evil bastard, the same one that anchored the dark cloud above my head.


It started a couple of weeks ago, after having a great start to 2012 with friends up from England staying with me in my new flat, I was very happy. I started to make plans, to start volunteering, had an interview in the local volunteer centre, but never got to follow up on the advice given. I was to pop in to a local charity shop for an informal chat, that's when the anxiety kicked in, almost as if I had pressed a self destruct button. 


That was the start, mild anxiety, just enough to knock me off my perch, enough to stop me getting into the shop. It has increased since then to pretty severe anxiety attacks, which are at the point where I now cannot walk the dog to usual places, now I'm restricted to the field at the end of my road, even that, last night was a struggle. As my anxiety levels have increased of course my mood has decreased, and have gotten less and less sleep, and for the past week the thoughts have been prolific. Night time is the worst, such a lonely time, and little to distract from the thoughts, which is why I'm here.


This has all been accentuated by the good old benefits agency taking the majority of my money from me, of course I'll appeal but what a kick in the nads opening the letters telling me of termination of benefits. I feel paranoid and victimised (as I expect are a lot  of people in similar circumstances) Anyway tomorrow is Monday I can get in touch with my CPN and possibly GP let them know my situation, and hope they can offer assistance.


I know it'll pass, and I've been told so by most of the people who care, I know, but right now every minute feels a bloody eternity and given my previous experience I know it could be as little as a few more days, to a good few months before I'm back to myself. 


I'll get there.


Next blog to be on a slightly cheerier note.


Promise.


Andy.

So I moved, and I'm now settled in my lovely new flat. The move did bring up a fair bit of anxiety, and my mood dipped, but it's settling and I am back in control.

I am still waiting to hear from Action On Depression, for info on the training sessions, which I shall be attending in Glasgow, training in how to go about setting up a self-help group. This I am still really looking forward to and think it is definitely a good first step into getting back into work. I certainly do not want to be living off benefits for the rest of my days, as many people with my condition seem to do. I'd much rather be working, right now though jumping feet first into full time employment would more than likely do me more harm than good, I am being repeatedly told "baby steps". Who knows where this voluntary work will lead.

Not long till a couple of friends visit from England, few days in Ayr and also visiting a friend up North, which shall be fun, brilliant cheap as chip deals with Travelodge, make it possible, the scenery there, and on the road up is spectacular. So very much looking forward to it!

Walking quite long distances again, and thoroughly enjoying it, covering over ten miles easily. Unfortunately I'm eating like a feckin pig, and although I don't think I'm getting bigger, the weight is not falling off either.
Less munching, more miles is what's needed for sure, still aiming to lose a fair bit of weight before the big wedding in July!

Overall things are great, I just need to keep the momentum moving onwards and upwards :~)

It has again been a good while since I last posted, just recovering from a low period, longest since this time last year. Never been good in the run in to that happy time Christmas.


Was hoping to avoid the winter blues this year but to no avail. It's difficult when things are going so well around me, lot's of positive things happening, yet I'm a sour faced git. Anyway the worst is hopefully behind me now and I wanted to note all the positive advancements that are happening.

I shall soon be moving flat, not far from here but a much nicer area and property, which will be a great leap forward. :~)

Also I recently applied for a couple of volunteer posts, and today I heard back from them both!

The first is actually getting a depression self help group up and running in Ayr, which will be a huge challenge that I'm really looking forward to, it will involve trying to get others to take a role in the building of the group, as it seems I am the first to put my name forward, so I shall get in touch with my CPN and see if he has anyone that would be interested and capable of helping.

The other is for be-friending, people with similar health problems to myself, and I've to go in to the local volunteer office for a interview, to find out more and to be assessed.

I'd imagine both will have to wait till the new year with me moving but both will be big steps for me and who knows where I'll be led from taking part.

EXCITING TIMES!

I have neglected my blog of late, the reason for this is due to my ever improving mental health.

Which is wonderful, but I had intended this to document my good times as well as the not so good.

Soooooo,

I have done an awful lot since my last post, I have been to England several times, to Devon and Cornwall most recently, which was wonderful, and i'm very glad to say I have made some very strong friendships through this internet nonsence, namely Twitter, which does lie unused these days, as I spend more time on Facebook.

Also attended a few parties, nights out and a wedding! All of this still amazes me from time to time as it seems that I have progressed so quickly over the past 12 months, I now still suffer the same initial anxiety in social situations, but it fades and i do not let it control me, i now know how to control it, with breathing and other relaxation techniques.

The dark days still show up now and again, but again they no longer are in control, where in days gone, I would have curled up on the couch and festered in my misery, I now get off my fat arse and move, out walking or if possible i'll meet someone.


Speaking of my fat arse, I am back on a healthy diet and feeling more determined than ever to lose weight, for my good friends wedding in July of next year.

Recently I managed to get five of my photographs put forward for publishing in a local mental health newsletter, through this and the accompanying write up it is hoped that it will give other people who are struggling with mental health issues, incentives to get out in the fresh air with camera, as it has done wonders for me and continues to do so.

I shall continue to update this from time to time,

Andy D

Well I guess it shows that perseverance pays, it is slow progress but i am finding my motivation, and becoming more inspired each day.
I have been out walking and taking photos almost everyday this past week and although it was very demoralising to realise just how unfit i had become, it should deter me from ever letting things slip quite so badly again.
Have met a good few new people on twitter recently, if any find themselves reading this i'd encourage you to go too my first couple of posts so you understand what my blog is about.
One of my new twitter mates was kind enough to post a book on photography to me, how nice is that!
This coming week will be more of the same, lots more walking and lots more photo's, should be fun.
A week tonight there is going to be a family party at my Gran's, it is a get together of my mums side of our family which very rarely happens, and the last party our family will have in the house my grandpa built for his family,it is being sold on to a young couple so hopefully will soon be full of life again!
So all is heading back in the right direction :~)

What a difference a week can make!
Had a bit of a revelation a few days ago, it came to me after getting good results from my blood tests.
I was feeling sorry for myself wondering why i was so tired all the time, i realised that i was actually feeling the way i always used to feel, before losing weight, through exercising, and eating more healthily.
I have put back on two of the five stone i lost, so obviously that is going to impact on my health, and had virtually stopped exercising. So in short no wonder i feel like shit all the time.
I brought it upon myself, so equally i can reverse it, which i have started to do, eating less and also cutting out the crap again, i did it before, i can and will do it again.
I am feeling motivated and upbeat about it, and looking forward to the challenge.
I am missing socialising though, i miss my mates and  really need to try and put myself out there in the real world again, looking into college courses, which will be great if a little daunting at first, but anything like that will take months to organise, i need to start now, strike while the iron is hot an all that.
Have  absolutely no idea how to go about this i have been living in a very very small social circle  for the past 5/6 years due too my illness, so, what to do! Plenty of food for thought.
I mean right now i would love to be going to a pub, with friends to watch the Rugby. The rather obvious problem with this, having no one to bloody go with.
I have the option of asking my CPN for help, but any group/club he can organise for me is keeping me inside the mental health care system, and i'm wanting to spread my circle outside that.

Has been a long time since my last post!
Mostly due to my struggling to find motivation to do things, and an overwhelming tiredness that seems to have attached itself to me.
I am in a rut that is new to me, as i don't think it has anything to do with my usual depression, i am familiar with lethargy which i can mostly push myself through, and get over.
Past few weeks when i push myself i end up needing to step back to recover, rather than it helping.
I went to my G.P and she took blood to make sure my thyroid function was ok, fortunately it is, and I was pleased as well that my diabetes test came back good too.
So am i just needing a right good slap?? Am i just being a lazy bastard??
I know one thing the rate i'm putting weight back on is affecting me, my back and knees ache again when i'm out walking.
I am pissed off as this is the longest spell of being in a positive state of mind, and i feel it is slipping away from me when i should making the most of it.
I am meeting with my old CPN Laura on Thursday, and hopefully she will have some suggestions for me, as for first time in years i am at a loss for what to do next, all i can think of is 'get over it' that doesn't seem to be working!
I have started chatting on Twitter again which is good for me as it means i'm not just sitting listening to music all day, and my online friends are a great source of support when i'm not out meeting friends in the 'real world'.
Is quite ironic that this post comes from me in a stable 'normal' mood yet it has a lower tone, than when i was going through a depression.
Arse!
;oP