Day In The City
Today i went to Glasgow for the first time since before Christmas. This is nothing for most people as it's an hours bus journey away, but for me it's incredibly nerve wracking, i only slept two hours last night and that was probably down to anxiety about my plans.
I fear panicking in public, i find it demoralising and feel embarrassed when it happens. So my anxiety nowadays isn't fear of the actual transport or travelling as such, it's being in a confined space with a lot of people, the instant i walk into a situation like that, be it on a bus, train, a coffee shop or pub. I look around and think people are judging me on my size and the way i look, the chant FUB, FUB, FUB, rings through my head (fat ugly bastard)
This has been ingrained in my psyche for a very long time, i've never really felt deserving or good enough for, anything really, this has worn down on my self image.
I'm working on this with the cognitive behavioural approach and it does really help, as working on it is easy, when these thoughts start instead of withdrawing, look around see if there is any evidence to back up these thoughts, sounds easy right.
Today when i got on the bus, i'd chosen a time i thought would be quiet, wasn't! The chant started i got hotter and hotter and my chest got tighter and tighter, i put my head down, then thought no! look! I looked, people were deep in conversation or in there own wee worlds, i calmed a bit slumped into a seat and slept the hours journey.
This approach works for me and when i got home today i went over all the times i panicked and there were no less than twelve times in the 4.5 hours i was out, only 3 went into full attacks.
Overall today was a bloody good day i did something i've been fearing for the past 7 months and nothing bad happened!
I'm going up again on Thursday to meet Lindy for coffee, so i now can look forward to that without quite the same anxiety i'd have felt if it was my first trip up there.
I fear panicking in public, i find it demoralising and feel embarrassed when it happens. So my anxiety nowadays isn't fear of the actual transport or travelling as such, it's being in a confined space with a lot of people, the instant i walk into a situation like that, be it on a bus, train, a coffee shop or pub. I look around and think people are judging me on my size and the way i look, the chant FUB, FUB, FUB, rings through my head (fat ugly bastard)
This has been ingrained in my psyche for a very long time, i've never really felt deserving or good enough for, anything really, this has worn down on my self image.
I'm working on this with the cognitive behavioural approach and it does really help, as working on it is easy, when these thoughts start instead of withdrawing, look around see if there is any evidence to back up these thoughts, sounds easy right.
Today when i got on the bus, i'd chosen a time i thought would be quiet, wasn't! The chant started i got hotter and hotter and my chest got tighter and tighter, i put my head down, then thought no! look! I looked, people were deep in conversation or in there own wee worlds, i calmed a bit slumped into a seat and slept the hours journey.
This approach works for me and when i got home today i went over all the times i panicked and there were no less than twelve times in the 4.5 hours i was out, only 3 went into full attacks.
Overall today was a bloody good day i did something i've been fearing for the past 7 months and nothing bad happened!
I'm going up again on Thursday to meet Lindy for coffee, so i now can look forward to that without quite the same anxiety i'd have felt if it was my first trip up there.
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