How it began
This post is for people who have been newly diagnosed with bipolar disorder or any anxiety, depression related illness. I'm going to write about my experience from the start as i remember it.
I was 17 is when i knew something wasn't right, i worked long hours as a chef, and partied hard most nights, my friends i imagine all thought i was great fun to be around, full of fun and drunken madness, the truth was i couldn't socialise in a busy environment without being drunk. I don't remember what age i was when i had my first panic attack, i do remember i thought i was going to die! Shooting pains in arms and chest, shortness of breath, pounding headache, feeling sick, and needing the toilet, and aching joints, it wasn't fun, but it passed and although i don't understand why, i never had one in public till after I'd been diagnosed a few years later.
Anyway i knew that i didn't want to be embarrassed with this happening in a busy pub or club so i drank a lot, theres no denying some of those nights were a lot of fun and i had lots of 'friends' but the flip side was the depressions that followed each heavy weekend dark dark moods filled with anger and aggression mostly taken out on family and when i had one my girlfriend.
At work i hid behind smiles and jokes and managed to function ok i think, over the next 3 years things didn't really change much i worked hard and drank my self social, i would get hyper spells where i would do silly things mostly with my money although there was a fair bit of public nudity on my part, though i cant say that was anything to do with an illness probably just nieveity. I had switched jobs, just to a different restaurant, but now the depressions were getting harder to hide snapping at waitresses i was living on my own, my girlfriend had to put up with a lot of tears and tantrums.
Things finally came to a head when i moved to Glasgow to a job with yet longer working hours, after only 2 months i injured my back and very kindly my girlfriends parents put me up for some time till i found accomodation. It was then i saw my g.p and was put on my first anti depressants unsure of name could have been Citalopram.
With time on my hands i was able to think about things and this didn't help me at first, i was very critical of myself, full of self loathing. After several failed attempts at finding a anti depressant which worked (cant remember names) i was referred to a community psychiatric nurse (cpn) she was able to explain things a lot better and referred me to a psychiatrist, i was 20 now and things were very dark, i blacked out several times (not through alcohol) and one time next thing i knew i was on the pier with rocks in my jacket pocket. This scared me no end, and although up untill now the thought of suicide wasn't an issue it was creeping in to my mind more and more, i found that it was a build up of emotion, the anger and rage directed at myself, feeling worthless and this anxiety would increase to thoughts of self harm then on to suicide. This was happening during sleepless nights, is a very lonely feeling being awake and depressed through the night.
The first time i cut myself i was 20 living back at home with parents, and my mum walked in on me sitting scratching more than cutting my arm with a fairly blunt knife, i had been to see my knew Psych the day before and been told i was "scared of life" and he was gonna put me on beta blockers, i did not like this man he was had a nasty way about him constantly speaking down to me. When my mum walked in and saw me with knife she called my cpn who arranged for me to be admitted to psychiatric ward for care and assesment, the next two months are a hazy blur to me due to being heavily sedated and switching between anti depressants. I know things continued to get worse untill i admitted something i'd been hiding for over a year, i was hearing voices and seeing things.
This was a huge admition for me as it scared the shit out of me, the voices i heard were my own and a gruff deep males voice which arrived from time to time to tell me how worthless i was and that yes i should throw myself in front of that car. Things i saw were mostly lights and shapes, and steps, handrails, pavements moving when i was walking. I immediatly was put on an anti psychotic (halliperadol), it caused me to go into spasm that contorted my muscles and twisted my head round, which when it happened scared myself and my dad senseless, all it meant was another pill (procycladine). whithin days i was sleeping better and my hallucinations were gone.
I dont remember it but i spent my 21st birthday in hospital and although the head noise had gone my mood was still bad, it was then the new psych suggested trying E.C.T more here i had only a few sessions which after the first one i felt like i'd done ten hrs at gym. But after a handful of sessions i was a new man and was slowly re introdused to home life again.
Unfortunatly this did not last long and the meds i was on for depression did not hold me level the way was hoped so i was back down and after a length of time with no sleep i started cutting myself and burning myself with cigarettes. Was admitted into a different ward this time and yet a new psychiatrist spent another 2 months in here trying new meds for the depression, includin venlafaxine and others i dont remember. But the one that worked was an oldie ( Amitryptiline ) which worked great and again i was released this time into group therapy, was unsure of this at first but would highly rcommend it to anyone as talking things over and discusing the future really does help. Had also been switched to a new anti psychotic (risperidone) the side effect of this one was that i lost all interest in sex.
Think a year passed before i was back in the ward, had a new cpn who i still have to this day, she listens to me and when things are really bad knows exactly what to do, had gotten to know my psychiatrist too and developed trust in him he listened to my views on meds too. This spell in hospital included my first noted manic experience and a lithium (mood stabiliser) was added to my ever growing collection of pills, was out within a month and back to real life again.
Through out patient appointments a new mood stabiliser was added as lithium wasnt doing the trick on its own Depakote.
By this point i rattled on walking and was a bit of a zombie, the meds were making me so lethargic but i was stable so unwilling to change.
This time i was offered a job and i thought i'm stable why not, it lasted nine months before my mood went again and i was in a different ward and going through it all again and this time i gave e.c.t a shot again and again with dramatic results after 8 sessions this time. I managed to make a family holiday to Arran.
This time i was home for around a year before my mood went again and was rapid cycling where i went from mania to depression in a very short space of time and regularly. This time i took a small overdose of strong painkillers, was not admitted to the ward as they new it wasnt a genuine attempt on my life but a cry for help, so was sent home, and my cpn and a speacialist team increased visits, which did help. The overdose was enough for my mum though she asked me to move out as i have a younger brother and sister and it was too much, i'm sure if i hadn't found somewhere she would have let me stay but it really was for the best.
I have been living on my own now for five and a half years and only been back in hospital once that was 4 years ago :)
A few years ago i realised that medicine alone wasn't going to help me i had to do a lot of the work myself, and through seeing a private hypnotherapist and some real struggles i am getting there, i had a year med free and symptom free, it did return but i have a better hold of it now i feel i am in control and can live my life even when depressed or hyper.
I also saw a psychologist a couple of years ago and she spent a few weeks using cognitive behavioural therapy on me, and that also was a turning point more here
Am now being given a refresher course in cbt by my cpn which is goin very well it definatly builds confidence in the situations i have difficulty with.
That was a long post, think i'll leave it here just now and if theres anything i'v missed i'll write again.
Andy
I was 17 is when i knew something wasn't right, i worked long hours as a chef, and partied hard most nights, my friends i imagine all thought i was great fun to be around, full of fun and drunken madness, the truth was i couldn't socialise in a busy environment without being drunk. I don't remember what age i was when i had my first panic attack, i do remember i thought i was going to die! Shooting pains in arms and chest, shortness of breath, pounding headache, feeling sick, and needing the toilet, and aching joints, it wasn't fun, but it passed and although i don't understand why, i never had one in public till after I'd been diagnosed a few years later.
Anyway i knew that i didn't want to be embarrassed with this happening in a busy pub or club so i drank a lot, theres no denying some of those nights were a lot of fun and i had lots of 'friends' but the flip side was the depressions that followed each heavy weekend dark dark moods filled with anger and aggression mostly taken out on family and when i had one my girlfriend.
At work i hid behind smiles and jokes and managed to function ok i think, over the next 3 years things didn't really change much i worked hard and drank my self social, i would get hyper spells where i would do silly things mostly with my money although there was a fair bit of public nudity on my part, though i cant say that was anything to do with an illness probably just nieveity. I had switched jobs, just to a different restaurant, but now the depressions were getting harder to hide snapping at waitresses i was living on my own, my girlfriend had to put up with a lot of tears and tantrums.
Things finally came to a head when i moved to Glasgow to a job with yet longer working hours, after only 2 months i injured my back and very kindly my girlfriends parents put me up for some time till i found accomodation. It was then i saw my g.p and was put on my first anti depressants unsure of name could have been Citalopram.
With time on my hands i was able to think about things and this didn't help me at first, i was very critical of myself, full of self loathing. After several failed attempts at finding a anti depressant which worked (cant remember names) i was referred to a community psychiatric nurse (cpn) she was able to explain things a lot better and referred me to a psychiatrist, i was 20 now and things were very dark, i blacked out several times (not through alcohol) and one time next thing i knew i was on the pier with rocks in my jacket pocket. This scared me no end, and although up untill now the thought of suicide wasn't an issue it was creeping in to my mind more and more, i found that it was a build up of emotion, the anger and rage directed at myself, feeling worthless and this anxiety would increase to thoughts of self harm then on to suicide. This was happening during sleepless nights, is a very lonely feeling being awake and depressed through the night.
The first time i cut myself i was 20 living back at home with parents, and my mum walked in on me sitting scratching more than cutting my arm with a fairly blunt knife, i had been to see my knew Psych the day before and been told i was "scared of life" and he was gonna put me on beta blockers, i did not like this man he was had a nasty way about him constantly speaking down to me. When my mum walked in and saw me with knife she called my cpn who arranged for me to be admitted to psychiatric ward for care and assesment, the next two months are a hazy blur to me due to being heavily sedated and switching between anti depressants. I know things continued to get worse untill i admitted something i'd been hiding for over a year, i was hearing voices and seeing things.
This was a huge admition for me as it scared the shit out of me, the voices i heard were my own and a gruff deep males voice which arrived from time to time to tell me how worthless i was and that yes i should throw myself in front of that car. Things i saw were mostly lights and shapes, and steps, handrails, pavements moving when i was walking. I immediatly was put on an anti psychotic (halliperadol), it caused me to go into spasm that contorted my muscles and twisted my head round, which when it happened scared myself and my dad senseless, all it meant was another pill (procycladine). whithin days i was sleeping better and my hallucinations were gone.
I dont remember it but i spent my 21st birthday in hospital and although the head noise had gone my mood was still bad, it was then the new psych suggested trying E.C.T more here i had only a few sessions which after the first one i felt like i'd done ten hrs at gym. But after a handful of sessions i was a new man and was slowly re introdused to home life again.
Unfortunatly this did not last long and the meds i was on for depression did not hold me level the way was hoped so i was back down and after a length of time with no sleep i started cutting myself and burning myself with cigarettes. Was admitted into a different ward this time and yet a new psychiatrist spent another 2 months in here trying new meds for the depression, includin venlafaxine and others i dont remember. But the one that worked was an oldie ( Amitryptiline ) which worked great and again i was released this time into group therapy, was unsure of this at first but would highly rcommend it to anyone as talking things over and discusing the future really does help. Had also been switched to a new anti psychotic (risperidone) the side effect of this one was that i lost all interest in sex.
Think a year passed before i was back in the ward, had a new cpn who i still have to this day, she listens to me and when things are really bad knows exactly what to do, had gotten to know my psychiatrist too and developed trust in him he listened to my views on meds too. This spell in hospital included my first noted manic experience and a lithium (mood stabiliser) was added to my ever growing collection of pills, was out within a month and back to real life again.
Through out patient appointments a new mood stabiliser was added as lithium wasnt doing the trick on its own Depakote.
By this point i rattled on walking and was a bit of a zombie, the meds were making me so lethargic but i was stable so unwilling to change.
This time i was offered a job and i thought i'm stable why not, it lasted nine months before my mood went again and i was in a different ward and going through it all again and this time i gave e.c.t a shot again and again with dramatic results after 8 sessions this time. I managed to make a family holiday to Arran.
This time i was home for around a year before my mood went again and was rapid cycling where i went from mania to depression in a very short space of time and regularly. This time i took a small overdose of strong painkillers, was not admitted to the ward as they new it wasnt a genuine attempt on my life but a cry for help, so was sent home, and my cpn and a speacialist team increased visits, which did help. The overdose was enough for my mum though she asked me to move out as i have a younger brother and sister and it was too much, i'm sure if i hadn't found somewhere she would have let me stay but it really was for the best.
I have been living on my own now for five and a half years and only been back in hospital once that was 4 years ago :)
A few years ago i realised that medicine alone wasn't going to help me i had to do a lot of the work myself, and through seeing a private hypnotherapist and some real struggles i am getting there, i had a year med free and symptom free, it did return but i have a better hold of it now i feel i am in control and can live my life even when depressed or hyper.
I also saw a psychologist a couple of years ago and she spent a few weeks using cognitive behavioural therapy on me, and that also was a turning point more here
Am now being given a refresher course in cbt by my cpn which is goin very well it definatly builds confidence in the situations i have difficulty with.
That was a long post, think i'll leave it here just now and if theres anything i'v missed i'll write again.
Andy
.jpg)
0 comments: