Yet again it has been a long time since I posted a blog.......... Sorry :~|


I have taken a turn for the worse, It's been a good couple of years since I've felt the way I do at the moment, thoughts of self-harm and suicide racing through my mind, popping up at any given opportunity.


With that I mean, 


walking alongside a busy road = thoughts of throwing myself into traffic


Using a knife = Cutting myself 


etc....


I'm sitting writing this as for the past hour I've been researching suicide, and was rather alarmed at just how much information is available on google, and just how many sites there are dedicated to the morbid subject. Not surprising I suppose but still worrying!


I have no plans to do so, and I haven't hurt myself either, but I will not deny the thought of not being here, feeling this way, is very, very appealing. Right at this moment I've had enough, and would welcome the thought of nothingness, and to be....... gone.


I will not can not do something as selfish, I am lucky I have people who care about me, It would definitely be a selfish act on my part to end this. Plus it'd be letting my illness get the better of me!


The thoughts, as disturbing as they are, are just that, thoughts. They don't feel my own, they flit through my mind as if blown in by some evil bastard, the same one that anchored the dark cloud above my head.


It started a couple of weeks ago, after having a great start to 2012 with friends up from England staying with me in my new flat, I was very happy. I started to make plans, to start volunteering, had an interview in the local volunteer centre, but never got to follow up on the advice given. I was to pop in to a local charity shop for an informal chat, that's when the anxiety kicked in, almost as if I had pressed a self destruct button. 


That was the start, mild anxiety, just enough to knock me off my perch, enough to stop me getting into the shop. It has increased since then to pretty severe anxiety attacks, which are at the point where I now cannot walk the dog to usual places, now I'm restricted to the field at the end of my road, even that, last night was a struggle. As my anxiety levels have increased of course my mood has decreased, and have gotten less and less sleep, and for the past week the thoughts have been prolific. Night time is the worst, such a lonely time, and little to distract from the thoughts, which is why I'm here.


This has all been accentuated by the good old benefits agency taking the majority of my money from me, of course I'll appeal but what a kick in the nads opening the letters telling me of termination of benefits. I feel paranoid and victimised (as I expect are a lot  of people in similar circumstances) Anyway tomorrow is Monday I can get in touch with my CPN and possibly GP let them know my situation, and hope they can offer assistance.


I know it'll pass, and I've been told so by most of the people who care, I know, but right now every minute feels a bloody eternity and given my previous experience I know it could be as little as a few more days, to a good few months before I'm back to myself. 


I'll get there.


Next blog to be on a slightly cheerier note.


Promise.


Andy.