Yesterday I got a gift from two friends, probably the most generous gift iv received in a long time. It was a laptop, friends old one which still worked and I was to use as I saw fit.
So I got it and thought I'd try and upgrade it a little with parts from my broken laptop got it working with my hard drive, and added some extra ram, was feeling rather pleased with myself as I just had the closing up to do. Then as my shaky hands were hovering over the machine it happened, i dropped a screw into the body of the computer, I quickly angled it to tip it out the way it went in but was too late it'd gotten trapped in the fan.
Needless to say the laptop won't start and I'm left with two machines needing repaired, thankfully my friends saw the funny side of it and had quite a laugh, which helped me get over my anger at myself.
Anyway that mistake should be fixable at least :0)
Besides massacring laptops, iv slept much better the past two nights and I'm feeling the benefits of that, walking to my parents later this afternoon, so looking forward to that too.

That has been my reply to being asked, 'how are you?' for the past few days, as over the past four nights iv had roughly ten hours sleep . Not great. But I'm not letting it stop me, had a not so good day on Saturday, but on Sunday I walked the five miles to my parents house and then spent the day there, bringing my dog home with me on the bus at night, was a good day.
Yesterday my little sister took me a drive to Dunure, had a lovely time , went for a coffee and had a walk around the castle ruins.
Then she took me to asda which is unfamiliar to me and was busy, but even though I felt anxious and uncomfortable I never had an attack, which was a great confidence booster!
Today I'm feeling shattered been awake since 3am, so today may be another lazy day, but that is fine because I'm allowing myself this lazy day and in fact more than likely I'll still end up going a good walk.

I apologise for any mistakes as I'm writing this from my iPod.
Today ain't so good, my beloved laptop I fear has given up the ghost, tried to reboot with discs I bought online, but to no avail.
Anyway that seriously pissed me off and i suppose i'v let that affect me by not just saying it's a replaceable gadget and nothing more,
But I only left the flat today to get food , which isn't uncommon on a Saturday as I like to distance myself from the crowded town and shops on Saturdays, but I didn't even make myself go a walk today, I actually have only spoken over the phone today.
Had option to visit an aunt this afternoon and visit mum this evening but instead I sat in and wallowed in self pity. Have managed to turn something trivial into a trigger for a mood drop, kinda pathetic really.
Anyway tomorrow is defiantly another day and I shall make amends for today.

Today I woke at eight am after a fantastic nine hour sleep binge, I won't lie I did a little dance when I saw the time.
So the day was off to a great start, I then headed out for the bus to Glasgow and got a txt from a friend asking if I wanted to go round his flat before meeting Lindy, I did and was great to catch up. Then I got the subway out to meet my friend lindy, and it was lovely to catch up with her as well.
When I left lindy I was still full of energy and my mood was good, not high just good, so got subway back into centre and headed up to the bus station not quite sure where to go, was thinking Edinburgh and that was confirmed when the bus was sitting there.
An hour on the bus flew by, aided by free wifi :0)
Got off bus in Edinburgh and spent an hour in a park wandering around sitting on benches and chilling. Headed up to castle but the walk knackered me and I couldn't face the crowds in the castle so walked the royal mile instead, was great, then got bus back to Glasgow which caused a cpl of panics but that was because I was tired and not aware of my thoughts, plus the bus was hoachin!
When I arrived in Glasgow I decided not to wait the 30 min on next bus and walked to train station and finished my day trip on the train.
Feeling tired now but very proud of myself, as one of my biggest anxiety triggers are busy buses and trains, today I travelled on 3 busy trains and 3 busy buses.
Today has been a bloody good day, now I shall sleep ;0)

Woke today after five hours sleep feeling worse than when finally fell over.
I don't believe that sleep is all about quantity, I'd have taken two hours of restful sleep over what i got five hours of intermittent restless sleep.
Tomorrow I'm going to Glasgow so today took my dog to my mum who is gonna look after her to let me make a day of it.
Although my mood was very low and I was anxious and tired, I got the dog and myself into a taxi and off too family home.
The greeting I get when i go visit always warms me, my full family are great support to me, and it wasn't too long before my mood was lifting. Being social with people I love can and often does do wonders for my mood.
I'm now home and it feels strangely nice to be dog free though I will miss the company.
If you read this Nikki, yes it was typed whilst in bath ;0)
Off to bed soon for at least a few hours of restful sleep I hope.

It's 13.40 and i haven't slept since i got up yesterday, i feel distinctly zombie like. Last night was tough,i felt depressed and lonely, it's at night my thoughts get nasty, turning self harm into a viable choice, i didn't and never will again hurt myself.
Things didn't get any better when my laptop went into meltdown, and is pretty much dead until the restore discs arrive. So i was left with music and my thoughts, was a long night i can tell you.
 I've managed to assemble my old dell machine which will do for now.
It's  when my sleep pattern slips that my mood starts to play up, but i see my cpn on Friday so hopefully arrange some sedation if need be.
Today i'm gonna be easy on myself, go a walk if i feel up to it but no big deal if not.

Today i went to Glasgow for the first time since before Christmas. This is nothing for most people as it's an hours bus journey away, but for me it's incredibly nerve wracking, i only slept two hours last night and that was probably down to anxiety about my plans.
I fear panicking in public, i find it demoralising and feel embarrassed when it happens. So my anxiety nowadays isn't fear of the actual transport or travelling as such, it's being in a confined space with a lot of people, the instant i walk into a situation like that, be it on a bus, train, a coffee shop or pub. I look around and think people are judging me on my size and the way i look, the chant FUB, FUB, FUB, rings through my head (fat ugly bastard)
This has been ingrained in my psyche for a very long time, i've never really felt deserving or good enough for, anything really, this has worn down on my self image.
I'm working on this with the cognitive behavioural approach and it does really help, as working on it is easy, when these thoughts start instead of withdrawing, look around see if there is any evidence to back up these thoughts, sounds easy right.
Today when i got on the bus, i'd chosen a time i thought would be quiet, wasn't! The chant started i got hotter and hotter and my chest got tighter and tighter, i put my head down, then thought no! look! I looked, people were deep in conversation  or in  there own wee worlds, i calmed a bit slumped into a seat and slept the hours journey.
This approach works for me and when i got home today i went over all the times i panicked and there were no less than twelve times in the 4.5 hours i was out, only 3 went into full attacks.
Overall today was a bloody good day i did something i've been fearing for the past 7 months and nothing bad happened!
I'm going up again on Thursday to meet Lindy for coffee, so i now can look forward to that without quite the same anxiety i'd have felt if it was my first trip up there.