Yesterday I got a gift from two friends, probably the most generous gift iv received in a long time. It was a laptop, friends old one which still worked and I was to use as I saw fit.
So I got it and thought I'd try and upgrade it a little with parts from my broken laptop got it working with my hard drive, and added some extra ram, was feeling rather pleased with myself as I just had the closing up to do. Then as my shaky hands were hovering over the machine it happened, i dropped a screw into the body of the computer, I quickly angled it to tip it out the way it went in but was too late it'd gotten trapped in the fan.
Needless to say the laptop won't start and I'm left with two machines needing repaired, thankfully my friends saw the funny side of it and had quite a laugh, which helped me get over my anger at myself.
Anyway that mistake should be fixable at least :0)
Besides massacring laptops, iv slept much better the past two nights and I'm feeling the benefits of that, walking to my parents later this afternoon, so looking forward to that too.

That has been my reply to being asked, 'how are you?' for the past few days, as over the past four nights iv had roughly ten hours sleep . Not great. But I'm not letting it stop me, had a not so good day on Saturday, but on Sunday I walked the five miles to my parents house and then spent the day there, bringing my dog home with me on the bus at night, was a good day.
Yesterday my little sister took me a drive to Dunure, had a lovely time , went for a coffee and had a walk around the castle ruins.
Then she took me to asda which is unfamiliar to me and was busy, but even though I felt anxious and uncomfortable I never had an attack, which was a great confidence booster!
Today I'm feeling shattered been awake since 3am, so today may be another lazy day, but that is fine because I'm allowing myself this lazy day and in fact more than likely I'll still end up going a good walk.

I apologise for any mistakes as I'm writing this from my iPod.
Today ain't so good, my beloved laptop I fear has given up the ghost, tried to reboot with discs I bought online, but to no avail.
Anyway that seriously pissed me off and i suppose i'v let that affect me by not just saying it's a replaceable gadget and nothing more,
But I only left the flat today to get food , which isn't uncommon on a Saturday as I like to distance myself from the crowded town and shops on Saturdays, but I didn't even make myself go a walk today, I actually have only spoken over the phone today.
Had option to visit an aunt this afternoon and visit mum this evening but instead I sat in and wallowed in self pity. Have managed to turn something trivial into a trigger for a mood drop, kinda pathetic really.
Anyway tomorrow is defiantly another day and I shall make amends for today.

Today I woke at eight am after a fantastic nine hour sleep binge, I won't lie I did a little dance when I saw the time.
So the day was off to a great start, I then headed out for the bus to Glasgow and got a txt from a friend asking if I wanted to go round his flat before meeting Lindy, I did and was great to catch up. Then I got the subway out to meet my friend lindy, and it was lovely to catch up with her as well.
When I left lindy I was still full of energy and my mood was good, not high just good, so got subway back into centre and headed up to the bus station not quite sure where to go, was thinking Edinburgh and that was confirmed when the bus was sitting there.
An hour on the bus flew by, aided by free wifi :0)
Got off bus in Edinburgh and spent an hour in a park wandering around sitting on benches and chilling. Headed up to castle but the walk knackered me and I couldn't face the crowds in the castle so walked the royal mile instead, was great, then got bus back to Glasgow which caused a cpl of panics but that was because I was tired and not aware of my thoughts, plus the bus was hoachin!
When I arrived in Glasgow I decided not to wait the 30 min on next bus and walked to train station and finished my day trip on the train.
Feeling tired now but very proud of myself, as one of my biggest anxiety triggers are busy buses and trains, today I travelled on 3 busy trains and 3 busy buses.
Today has been a bloody good day, now I shall sleep ;0)

Woke today after five hours sleep feeling worse than when finally fell over.
I don't believe that sleep is all about quantity, I'd have taken two hours of restful sleep over what i got five hours of intermittent restless sleep.
Tomorrow I'm going to Glasgow so today took my dog to my mum who is gonna look after her to let me make a day of it.
Although my mood was very low and I was anxious and tired, I got the dog and myself into a taxi and off too family home.
The greeting I get when i go visit always warms me, my full family are great support to me, and it wasn't too long before my mood was lifting. Being social with people I love can and often does do wonders for my mood.
I'm now home and it feels strangely nice to be dog free though I will miss the company.
If you read this Nikki, yes it was typed whilst in bath ;0)
Off to bed soon for at least a few hours of restful sleep I hope.

It's 13.40 and i haven't slept since i got up yesterday, i feel distinctly zombie like. Last night was tough,i felt depressed and lonely, it's at night my thoughts get nasty, turning self harm into a viable choice, i didn't and never will again hurt myself.
Things didn't get any better when my laptop went into meltdown, and is pretty much dead until the restore discs arrive. So i was left with music and my thoughts, was a long night i can tell you.
 I've managed to assemble my old dell machine which will do for now.
It's  when my sleep pattern slips that my mood starts to play up, but i see my cpn on Friday so hopefully arrange some sedation if need be.
Today i'm gonna be easy on myself, go a walk if i feel up to it but no big deal if not.

Today i went to Glasgow for the first time since before Christmas. This is nothing for most people as it's an hours bus journey away, but for me it's incredibly nerve wracking, i only slept two hours last night and that was probably down to anxiety about my plans.
I fear panicking in public, i find it demoralising and feel embarrassed when it happens. So my anxiety nowadays isn't fear of the actual transport or travelling as such, it's being in a confined space with a lot of people, the instant i walk into a situation like that, be it on a bus, train, a coffee shop or pub. I look around and think people are judging me on my size and the way i look, the chant FUB, FUB, FUB, rings through my head (fat ugly bastard)
This has been ingrained in my psyche for a very long time, i've never really felt deserving or good enough for, anything really, this has worn down on my self image.
I'm working on this with the cognitive behavioural approach and it does really help, as working on it is easy, when these thoughts start instead of withdrawing, look around see if there is any evidence to back up these thoughts, sounds easy right.
Today when i got on the bus, i'd chosen a time i thought would be quiet, wasn't! The chant started i got hotter and hotter and my chest got tighter and tighter, i put my head down, then thought no! look! I looked, people were deep in conversation  or in  there own wee worlds, i calmed a bit slumped into a seat and slept the hours journey.
This approach works for me and when i got home today i went over all the times i panicked and there were no less than twelve times in the 4.5 hours i was out, only 3 went into full attacks.
Overall today was a bloody good day i did something i've been fearing for the past 7 months and nothing bad happened!
I'm going up again on Thursday to meet Lindy for coffee, so i now can look forward to that without quite the same anxiety i'd have felt if it was my first trip up there.

Well after my post on Lethargy, thought I'd let you know whether i pulled off the walk or not........ well i did, not too long yesterday about three miles round journey up the river, but today i went further around 5.5 miles which wasn't bad as I'd rather be doing nothing at all!
Allowed myself a snooze when i got back, and woke feeling decidedly miserable, sometimes happens if I've been in a very deep but short sleep. I wont pay attention and hopefully it'll leave.
Thought i would tell the things that help me day to day these day's and suggest a book that really rang bells with me when i read it and is recommended by Stephen Fry no less :)
The book is called " I Had A Black Dog" by Mathew Johnston ( heres a link to it ) It is about dealing with depression but done with illustrations which when u have no concentration to read the page upon page of info fired at you by doctors, is light reading and inspiring.
It was followed up by "Living With A Black Dog" which was by Mathew and his wife for people caring for someone with depression.
Both entirely excellent and not too expensive either.

Something that keeps me occupied and gives me lot's of enjoyment is social media ie. Twitter, Facebook, Messenger. All of which i spend a fair bit of time on but it was through twitter i'v met some genuinely lovely people who are very supportive, and there is a couple in particular who i chat with most days and I'm going to MEET in real life soon which is very exciting, this couple are becoming good friends which i didn't think was possible through the internet, but they know who they are and they're lovely.

One new addition that keeps me going is photography, i joined Blipfoto two or three months ago and was hooked straight away, it's such a supportive environment everyone encourages you to progress with you're photography, and i now love getting out and taking pictures.

U can add me on twitter through the badge on left and also the Andy D link will take you to my blipfoto journal.

This post is for people who have been newly diagnosed with bipolar disorder or any anxiety, depression related illness. I'm going to write about my experience from the start as i remember it.
I was 17 is when i knew something wasn't right, i worked long hours as a chef, and partied hard most nights, my friends i imagine all thought i was great fun to be around, full of fun and drunken madness, the truth was i couldn't socialise in a busy environment without being drunk. I don't remember what age i was when i had my first panic attack, i do remember i thought i was going to die! Shooting pains in arms and chest, shortness of breath, pounding headache, feeling sick, and needing the toilet, and aching joints, it wasn't fun, but it passed and  although i don't understand why, i never had one in public till after I'd been diagnosed a few years later.
Anyway i knew that i didn't want to be embarrassed with this happening in a busy pub or club so i drank a lot, theres no denying some of those nights were a lot of fun and i had lots of 'friends' but the flip side was the depressions that followed each heavy weekend dark dark moods filled with anger and aggression mostly taken out on family and when i had one my girlfriend.
At work i hid behind smiles and jokes and managed to function ok i think, over the next 3 years things didn't really change much i worked hard and drank my self social, i would get hyper spells where i would do silly things mostly with my money although there was a fair bit of  public nudity on my part, though i cant say that was anything to do with an illness probably just nieveity. I had switched jobs, just to a different restaurant, but now the depressions were getting harder to hide snapping at waitresses i was living on my own, my girlfriend had to put up with a lot of tears and tantrums.
Things finally came to a head when i moved to Glasgow to a job with yet longer working hours, after only 2 months i injured my back and very kindly my girlfriends parents put me up for some time till i found accomodation. It was then i saw my g.p and was put on my first anti depressants unsure of name could have been Citalopram.
With time on my hands i was able to think about things and this didn't help me at first, i was very critical of myself, full of self loathing. After several failed attempts at finding a anti depressant which worked (cant remember names) i was referred to a community psychiatric nurse (cpn) she was able to explain things a lot better and referred me to a psychiatrist, i was 20 now and things were very dark, i blacked out several times (not through alcohol) and one time next thing i knew i was on the pier with rocks in my jacket pocket. This scared me no end, and although up untill now the thought of suicide wasn't an issue it was creeping in to my mind more and more, i found that it was a build up of emotion, the anger and rage directed at myself, feeling worthless and this anxiety would increase to thoughts of self harm then on to suicide. This was happening during sleepless nights, is a very lonely feeling being awake and depressed through the night.
The first time i cut myself i was 20 living back at home with parents, and my mum walked in on me sitting scratching more than cutting my arm with a fairly blunt knife, i had been to see my knew Psych the day before and been told i was "scared of life" and he was gonna put me on beta blockers, i did  not like this man he was had a nasty way about him constantly speaking down to me. When my mum walked in and saw me with knife she called my cpn who arranged for me to be admitted to psychiatric ward for care and assesment, the next two months are a hazy blur to me due to being heavily sedated and switching between anti depressants. I know things continued to get worse untill i admitted something i'd been hiding for over a year, i was hearing voices and seeing things.
This was a huge admition for me as it scared the shit out of me, the voices i heard were my own and a gruff deep males voice which arrived from time to time to tell me how worthless i was and that yes i should throw myself in front of that car. Things i saw were mostly lights and shapes, and steps, handrails, pavements moving when i was walking. I immediatly was put on an anti psychotic (halliperadol), it caused me to go into spasm that contorted my muscles and twisted my head round, which when it happened scared myself and my dad senseless, all it meant was another pill (procycladine). whithin days i was sleeping better and my hallucinations were gone.
I dont remember it but i spent my 21st birthday in hospital and although the head noise had gone my mood was still bad, it was then the new psych suggested trying E.C.T more here i had only a few sessions which after the first one i felt like i'd done ten hrs at gym. But after a handful of sessions i was a new man and was slowly re introdused to home life again.
Unfortunatly this did not last long and the meds i was on for depression did not hold me level the way was hoped so i was back down and after a length of time with no sleep i started cutting myself and burning myself with cigarettes. Was admitted into a different ward this time and yet a new psychiatrist spent another 2 months in here trying new meds for the depression, includin venlafaxine and others i dont remember. But the one that worked was an oldie ( Amitryptiline ) which worked great and again i was released this time into group therapy, was unsure of this at first but would highly rcommend it to anyone as talking things over and discusing the future really does help. Had also been switched to a  new anti psychotic (risperidone) the side effect of this one was that i lost all interest in sex.
Think a year passed before i was back in the ward, had a new cpn who i still have to this day, she listens to me and when things are really bad knows exactly what to do, had gotten to know my psychiatrist too and developed trust in him he listened to my views on meds too. This spell in hospital included my first noted manic experience and a lithium (mood stabiliser) was added to my ever growing collection of pills, was out within a month and back to real life again.
Through out patient appointments a new mood stabiliser was added as lithium wasnt doing the trick on its own Depakote.
By this point i rattled on walking and was a bit of a zombie, the meds were making me so lethargic but i was stable so unwilling to change.
This time i was offered a job and i thought i'm stable why not, it lasted nine months before my mood went again and i was in a different ward and going through it all again and this time i gave e.c.t a shot again and again with dramatic results after 8 sessions this time. I managed to make a family holiday to Arran.
This time i was home for around a year before my mood went again and was rapid cycling where i went from mania to depression in a very short space of time and regularly. This time i took a small overdose of strong painkillers, was not admitted to the ward as they new it wasnt a genuine attempt on my life but a cry for help, so was sent home, and my cpn and a speacialist team increased visits, which did help. The overdose was enough for my mum though she asked me to move out as i have a younger brother and sister and it was too much, i'm sure if i hadn't found somewhere she would have let me stay but it really was for the best.
I have been living on my own now for five and a half years and only been back in hospital once that was 4 years ago :)
A few years ago i realised that medicine alone wasn't going to help me i had to do a lot of the work myself, and through seeing a private hypnotherapist and some real struggles i am getting there, i had a year med free and symptom free,  it did return but i have a better hold of it now i feel i am in control and can live my life even when depressed or hyper.
I also saw a psychologist a couple of years ago and she spent a few weeks using cognitive behavioural therapy on me, and that also was a turning point more here
Am now being given a refresher course in cbt by my cpn which is goin very well it definatly builds confidence in the situations i  have difficulty with.
That was a long post, think i'll leave it here just now and if theres anything i'v missed i'll write again.
Andy

Today has been a day for not doing a whole hell of a lot. I've felt knackered from waking, not a sleepy tired, but a tired feeling that feels like I've ran a hundred miles, and aching muscles to match.
It's a crap way to be and very difficult to just shrug off, at least today it is, tomorrow i shall make myself move staying in my flat two day's in a row is not an option these day's, does me no good at all. I even reverted to lazy eating habits, phoning in a takeaway which didn't make me feel any better.
But tomorrow is another day and i will at least get my arse out a good long walk whether i feel like it or not, as if i don't i could end up slipping again and that i don't need.

Hi today is another day, and my mood is good, no ups no downs which is fantastic!
 Was diagnosed bi-polar 8 years ago after three misdiagnosis, i hate the fact that there is no quick fix or even  permanent relief.
 Only a handful of medicines work for me and if they do there affect only lasts a few months, treatment resistant my doc calls it. So after trying meds alone for years i started looking into alternative therapies, my first try was with homeopathic treatment, unfortunately it didn't work for me so moved onto hypnotherapy. This worked wonders for me and after several sessions focusing on my anxiety and depression i was feeling more confident in myself than i could have ever hoped for.
 Now three years on, i still meet with that therapist (check lindyirving.com if interested, i'm on testemonials page) we have developed a friendship and meet quite regularly for coffee and a chat.
 Way back in the first 3 years i spent quite a bit of time in and out of psychiatric wards, the first time was over my 21st birthday :( and have had to resort to E.C.T on two occasions both times the effects were fantastic though that didn't last either. I feel it has affected my memory there are incidents in my life i should remember but dont, it could just be from lack of stimulus my brain isn't used enough.
 Anyway i'll be using this blog to record my mood not everyday but often, things still get dark but on the whole i think i'm handling it well.
   Andy