So yeah, me again.

Has been a VERY long time since I last updated this blog.......... Not going to apologise, it's been due to my living life to the max, and although I do regret not maintaining my journal, I've been doing a lot to make up for it!

I don't foresee any need for any future entries, but you never know...

If anyone stumbles across this, I'd encourage you (If at all interested) to go back and read through my blog, things have changed a lot, and If you are struggling with mental health issues, take heart things can, and WILL get better, I am living proof!

Anyhoo, It's been years since my last update so this final post, I imagine will be a biggie.

In my last post, I'd moved into a new flat, been to weddings, started socialising, made new friends, lost weight, gained said lost weight again, but generally things were on the up!
Well since then I am sincerely delighted to say the upward track has become steeper and the rewards nothing short of spectacular.

I stayed in that flat for around a year and a half, then due to a change of circumstances had to move back into my family home, was nice to have that option, and as always I am hugely grateful to my parents for their support, and encouragement. Moving home, meant I was sharing again, and took a lot of getting used to after over a decade of living on my lonesome. It also meant my position on the council housing list took a great hike, and within six months I was offered a flat, in the centre of Ayr.
Which Is where I am sitting typing this.

During the stay at my folks, and also in the flat prior, I made a rather life changing decision.
After many years struggling with my weight, the yo-yo dieting, comfort eating, binge eating, etc etc I went in to my doctors to ask for advice. My GP inquired as to whether I had ever considered weight loss (bariatric) surgery (in truth I'd been looking into it, for months). I asked to be referred to the bariatric team, for more information.
Within a number of weeks, I had had my initial surgical consultation, and was accepted to join the education program, which would give me the skills, and information I would need to make the most from bariatric surgery.
At no point did I feel pressure, and was constantly reminded that it is my decision, and that even if I changed my mind walking to theatre, It was OK to say sorry but no.
The six week group, taught  us the do's and don't's surrounding surgery, post and pre op.
From the image, I began this post with, you can guess, that, yes, I chose to have the procedure carried out.
For those who think it a quick fix, or an easy way to lose weight........ I call your BS!
I went through what was a major, life threatening operation. I had a large percentage of my stomach removed by key-hole surgery. I was on a liquid diet pre and post op. I was prepared to, never be able to eat a "regular" portion of food again.

It is ten  months  since I had my Gastric Sleeve, and I truly am a new man, in total, from the beginning, after the initial consultation, I have lost around 11 stones in weight. 10 stones in a year!

So yes, rather significant changes have happened.

My usual up's and down's are no longer an issue, yes they are still there, but I am in complete control, I know how to bring myself out a slump before it becomes a meltdown.
No longer do I suffer anxiety attack on buses, in shops, on trains, in fact I am confident and care-free in every aspect of my life, that I can think of right now......

Towards the end of 2013 I began volunteering in the tearoom of my local hospital, this increased my confidence enough to take on a p/t job working in a friends cafe, I hugely enjoyed both these roles, and appreciated the chance to get back into work.
Unfortunately I did begin to suffer some anxiety whilst working in the cafe, and after consideration believed it was in my best interests to not continue working there, and to put my catering days firmly behind me.

It was a mild and temporary set back, and I am now looking to become a be-friender, I think supporting individuals in the community would be a great step forward for me and would hopefully open up pathways in to similar, paid care positions.

Whilst living with my parents, and as I shrank in body size, I grew in confidence. I felt more lonely than in a number of years. I had been single for a very long time (10+yrs!!!).

After the break up of my last relationship, I completely removed that aspect of my life. My previous girlfriend (who I still treasure as a good mate) towards the end of our relationship, was no longer my g/f, but more-so my carer.
I knew that I had to get myself better, stronger, and stable before even looking for another partner.

When I was living at home my finances weren't as tight, and I decided to subscribe to a dating site, I was rather dubious to say the least but, the old route of meeting girls in bars/clubs wasn't an attractive option.

I went through a few 'getting to know each other' via the sites contact options, and met a couple of very nice girls, though for one reason or another things didn't 'click'.

Then after giving up on someone. She had broke communication with me even though it seemed we were quite well matched, she got back in touch asking to continue the chatting.
I was more than happy to do so, and shortly after we had our first date.
That was a little under three months  ago, and I can truly say, I am so glad she did get back in touch.
I am incredibly happy to have met her, and look forward to every moment I get to spend with her.

I am actually just recently back from visiting my 'new friends' down in England, and she came with me, we also went camping in Yorkshire on our journey home.

In fact it was passing on  the link to her, and letting her read this blog, that prompted me to write this post, and I guess tie things up.

Draw a line under my mental health issues and move on. So thanks Helen.

Many other things have happened, I've continued to socialise, I've been to more weddings, gained more new friends, and generally grown as a person, thriving on whatever new experience comes my way...

So yeah........ I guess looking back through my previous entries in this blog, I am a new man, enjoying a better life than I could previously have imagined.

Even better, I anticipate it doing nothing apart from getting even more wonderful.

To anyone who may be struggling with life.......... If I can get to where I am now.......... Hang on in there, as you will as well!

Andy D.

   














 Taken June 2014........................................................

Hi, as usual I start by saying it's been a while!

When I started this blog I promised myself, I'd keep it going during good and bad times, unfortunately It hasn't worked that way, mostly due to me being a lazy sod!
The past, say 10 days my mood has been deteriorating, with severe anxiety attacks thrown in for fun, at the moment I'm unable to walk more than a few hundred yards from the flat without panicking. I keep repeating the same morning walk, with my dog, and I get to the local park then freak out. This is a bit different to the usual, as the park is not busy. In fact this morning it was only me and the mutt in it, yet I still had a panic attack. After pushing myself half way around the park, I called it quits and retreated, as I have each morning for the past week.

I have been trying to work out why this is happening, I believe it comes down to, the time of year, I always struggle a little around this time, and with the pressure of job searching, being knocked back or simply ignored for every job I apply for, added to the annual slump. These two have triggered the biggest black cloud in a long time to anchor itself firmly above me.

The usual, symptoms are here, withdrawing from my friends, tension headache, anxious to the point of almost being sick, when trying to push myself. Very dark mood, with thoughts of suicide and self-harm which are so real, also a lack of sleep, is making me crabbitt and extremely agitated. Basically it fooking sucks!

I shall continue to push myself, and push away those dark thoughts.

Now for the reason I am writing this blog, to remind myself of what I have achieved since I last wrote.

I have settled in to my new flat well, gotten to know the neighbours well enough that I was invited to the wedding of the young couple who live across the hall from me, I went to their wedding and had a really good time getting to know everyone who lives in the block.

I also went to the wedding of some very good friends, on Arran, which was a wonderful occasion, and I loved being part of it.

Had LOADS of nights out with friends and family, and I can honestly say it is a wonderful feeling not having to get blootered before entering a busy pub, being able to cope with large crowds sober is a good feeling. Not saying I stayed sober all that long though.

These are just a small selection of things I have done, that two or three years ago, I simply couldn't have handled.

This relapse might be a bugger, but I know i'll be even stronger when I come out the other side.

Yet again it has been a long time since I posted a blog.......... Sorry :~|


I have taken a turn for the worse, It's been a good couple of years since I've felt the way I do at the moment, thoughts of self-harm and suicide racing through my mind, popping up at any given opportunity.


With that I mean, 


walking alongside a busy road = thoughts of throwing myself into traffic


Using a knife = Cutting myself 


etc....


I'm sitting writing this as for the past hour I've been researching suicide, and was rather alarmed at just how much information is available on google, and just how many sites there are dedicated to the morbid subject. Not surprising I suppose but still worrying!


I have no plans to do so, and I haven't hurt myself either, but I will not deny the thought of not being here, feeling this way, is very, very appealing. Right at this moment I've had enough, and would welcome the thought of nothingness, and to be....... gone.


I will not can not do something as selfish, I am lucky I have people who care about me, It would definitely be a selfish act on my part to end this. Plus it'd be letting my illness get the better of me!


The thoughts, as disturbing as they are, are just that, thoughts. They don't feel my own, they flit through my mind as if blown in by some evil bastard, the same one that anchored the dark cloud above my head.


It started a couple of weeks ago, after having a great start to 2012 with friends up from England staying with me in my new flat, I was very happy. I started to make plans, to start volunteering, had an interview in the local volunteer centre, but never got to follow up on the advice given. I was to pop in to a local charity shop for an informal chat, that's when the anxiety kicked in, almost as if I had pressed a self destruct button. 


That was the start, mild anxiety, just enough to knock me off my perch, enough to stop me getting into the shop. It has increased since then to pretty severe anxiety attacks, which are at the point where I now cannot walk the dog to usual places, now I'm restricted to the field at the end of my road, even that, last night was a struggle. As my anxiety levels have increased of course my mood has decreased, and have gotten less and less sleep, and for the past week the thoughts have been prolific. Night time is the worst, such a lonely time, and little to distract from the thoughts, which is why I'm here.


This has all been accentuated by the good old benefits agency taking the majority of my money from me, of course I'll appeal but what a kick in the nads opening the letters telling me of termination of benefits. I feel paranoid and victimised (as I expect are a lot  of people in similar circumstances) Anyway tomorrow is Monday I can get in touch with my CPN and possibly GP let them know my situation, and hope they can offer assistance.


I know it'll pass, and I've been told so by most of the people who care, I know, but right now every minute feels a bloody eternity and given my previous experience I know it could be as little as a few more days, to a good few months before I'm back to myself. 


I'll get there.


Next blog to be on a slightly cheerier note.


Promise.


Andy.

So I moved, and I'm now settled in my lovely new flat. The move did bring up a fair bit of anxiety, and my mood dipped, but it's settling and I am back in control.

I am still waiting to hear from Action On Depression, for info on the training sessions, which I shall be attending in Glasgow, training in how to go about setting up a self-help group. This I am still really looking forward to and think it is definitely a good first step into getting back into work. I certainly do not want to be living off benefits for the rest of my days, as many people with my condition seem to do. I'd much rather be working, right now though jumping feet first into full time employment would more than likely do me more harm than good, I am being repeatedly told "baby steps". Who knows where this voluntary work will lead.

Not long till a couple of friends visit from England, few days in Ayr and also visiting a friend up North, which shall be fun, brilliant cheap as chip deals with Travelodge, make it possible, the scenery there, and on the road up is spectacular. So very much looking forward to it!

Walking quite long distances again, and thoroughly enjoying it, covering over ten miles easily. Unfortunately I'm eating like a feckin pig, and although I don't think I'm getting bigger, the weight is not falling off either.
Less munching, more miles is what's needed for sure, still aiming to lose a fair bit of weight before the big wedding in July!

Overall things are great, I just need to keep the momentum moving onwards and upwards :~)

It has again been a good while since I last posted, just recovering from a low period, longest since this time last year. Never been good in the run in to that happy time Christmas.


Was hoping to avoid the winter blues this year but to no avail. It's difficult when things are going so well around me, lot's of positive things happening, yet I'm a sour faced git. Anyway the worst is hopefully behind me now and I wanted to note all the positive advancements that are happening.

I shall soon be moving flat, not far from here but a much nicer area and property, which will be a great leap forward. :~)

Also I recently applied for a couple of volunteer posts, and today I heard back from them both!

The first is actually getting a depression self help group up and running in Ayr, which will be a huge challenge that I'm really looking forward to, it will involve trying to get others to take a role in the building of the group, as it seems I am the first to put my name forward, so I shall get in touch with my CPN and see if he has anyone that would be interested and capable of helping.

The other is for be-friending, people with similar health problems to myself, and I've to go in to the local volunteer office for a interview, to find out more and to be assessed.

I'd imagine both will have to wait till the new year with me moving but both will be big steps for me and who knows where I'll be led from taking part.

EXCITING TIMES!

I have neglected my blog of late, the reason for this is due to my ever improving mental health.

Which is wonderful, but I had intended this to document my good times as well as the not so good.

Soooooo,

I have done an awful lot since my last post, I have been to England several times, to Devon and Cornwall most recently, which was wonderful, and i'm very glad to say I have made some very strong friendships through this internet nonsence, namely Twitter, which does lie unused these days, as I spend more time on Facebook.

Also attended a few parties, nights out and a wedding! All of this still amazes me from time to time as it seems that I have progressed so quickly over the past 12 months, I now still suffer the same initial anxiety in social situations, but it fades and i do not let it control me, i now know how to control it, with breathing and other relaxation techniques.

The dark days still show up now and again, but again they no longer are in control, where in days gone, I would have curled up on the couch and festered in my misery, I now get off my fat arse and move, out walking or if possible i'll meet someone.


Speaking of my fat arse, I am back on a healthy diet and feeling more determined than ever to lose weight, for my good friends wedding in July of next year.

Recently I managed to get five of my photographs put forward for publishing in a local mental health newsletter, through this and the accompanying write up it is hoped that it will give other people who are struggling with mental health issues, incentives to get out in the fresh air with camera, as it has done wonders for me and continues to do so.

I shall continue to update this from time to time,

Andy D

Well I guess it shows that perseverance pays, it is slow progress but i am finding my motivation, and becoming more inspired each day.
I have been out walking and taking photos almost everyday this past week and although it was very demoralising to realise just how unfit i had become, it should deter me from ever letting things slip quite so badly again.
Have met a good few new people on twitter recently, if any find themselves reading this i'd encourage you to go too my first couple of posts so you understand what my blog is about.
One of my new twitter mates was kind enough to post a book on photography to me, how nice is that!
This coming week will be more of the same, lots more walking and lots more photo's, should be fun.
A week tonight there is going to be a family party at my Gran's, it is a get together of my mums side of our family which very rarely happens, and the last party our family will have in the house my grandpa built for his family,it is being sold on to a young couple so hopefully will soon be full of life again!
So all is heading back in the right direction :~)

What a difference a week can make!
Had a bit of a revelation a few days ago, it came to me after getting good results from my blood tests.
I was feeling sorry for myself wondering why i was so tired all the time, i realised that i was actually feeling the way i always used to feel, before losing weight, through exercising, and eating more healthily.
I have put back on two of the five stone i lost, so obviously that is going to impact on my health, and had virtually stopped exercising. So in short no wonder i feel like shit all the time.
I brought it upon myself, so equally i can reverse it, which i have started to do, eating less and also cutting out the crap again, i did it before, i can and will do it again.
I am feeling motivated and upbeat about it, and looking forward to the challenge.
I am missing socialising though, i miss my mates and  really need to try and put myself out there in the real world again, looking into college courses, which will be great if a little daunting at first, but anything like that will take months to organise, i need to start now, strike while the iron is hot an all that.
Have  absolutely no idea how to go about this i have been living in a very very small social circle  for the past 5/6 years due too my illness, so, what to do! Plenty of food for thought.
I mean right now i would love to be going to a pub, with friends to watch the Rugby. The rather obvious problem with this, having no one to bloody go with.
I have the option of asking my CPN for help, but any group/club he can organise for me is keeping me inside the mental health care system, and i'm wanting to spread my circle outside that.

Has been a long time since my last post!
Mostly due to my struggling to find motivation to do things, and an overwhelming tiredness that seems to have attached itself to me.
I am in a rut that is new to me, as i don't think it has anything to do with my usual depression, i am familiar with lethargy which i can mostly push myself through, and get over.
Past few weeks when i push myself i end up needing to step back to recover, rather than it helping.
I went to my G.P and she took blood to make sure my thyroid function was ok, fortunately it is, and I was pleased as well that my diabetes test came back good too.
So am i just needing a right good slap?? Am i just being a lazy bastard??
I know one thing the rate i'm putting weight back on is affecting me, my back and knees ache again when i'm out walking.
I am pissed off as this is the longest spell of being in a positive state of mind, and i feel it is slipping away from me when i should making the most of it.
I am meeting with my old CPN Laura on Thursday, and hopefully she will have some suggestions for me, as for first time in years i am at a loss for what to do next, all i can think of is 'get over it' that doesn't seem to be working!
I have started chatting on Twitter again which is good for me as it means i'm not just sitting listening to music all day, and my online friends are a great source of support when i'm not out meeting friends in the 'real world'.
Is quite ironic that this post comes from me in a stable 'normal' mood yet it has a lower tone, than when i was going through a depression.
Arse!
;oP

Ok another week gone, and another dose of the cold gained feeling rough.
I went my walk on the first and it was good to get out and stretch my legs, i have not repeated it to the same degree though, i have been out, just not the same distance and i can feel myself losing my fitness and getting bigger, i need a kick start, but the only person who can do this is myself. Of course being ill has not helped but i can't sit on my couch all day feeling sorry for myself, as that does nothing to help!
I still am not getting the same enjoyment from..... anything really, i try to read and cannot concentrate, i am mostly avoiding the social sites that i enjoy so much. I am feeling very disheartened.
I found out tonight that a friend and a workmate has died as well, he was a wonderful character great fun and a great boss, someone i really wish i had kept in touch with after moving on from that job. Death is inevitable i know and the thought of my own mortality certainly does not scare me, it is a bitch though!
Anyway i should try and sleep i am feeling very negative at the moment my own personal dark cloud is firmly anchored above.
Tomorrow is another day and i shall walk clear of the cloud.

So this is 2011, has been quite some time since my last blog, things have not been going so well for me of late, been hiding myself away from everything.
It is not a bad relapse just enough to knock me on my arse, been feeling very lethargic which soaks all the enjoyment out of the things that i have been loving doing, no photography, as every picture i take is shit, had also stopped chatting on twitter and facebook, which may not seem like that bad a thing to many people, but when  your contact with others is as limited as mine is, social media sites are usually a god send. When i back off from those it is definitely a sign that things are not going so well.
I have also not returned to weightwatchers, i just have not felt up to it, the thought of going in and putting on weight week by week as i am doing at the moment does not appeal to me.
Today is the start of a new year though so if things are going to change it should be now right??!
The only person who can alter my current situation is myself so today i intend to start that ball rolling, by going a good walk, will be interesting to see how much fitness i have lost over the past month or two of inactivity.
So please wish me  luck :~)
I hope 2011 contains as much joy and positive progress for everyone as 2010 did for me, just a bugger things took a wee nose dive towards the end, ach well back to it i guess
Andy xx

Been a few weeks since i last posted anything, has been pretty hectic, some highs and lows, fortunately more highs.
My Gran passed three weeks ago, she went peacefully with her daughters by her bedside. Her Funeral was the following week and was a fitting tribute to a wonderful lady, i'd like to think she would have approved.
I got through it and the gathering afterwards no problem at all, and it felt really good to be able to offer support to my loved ones instead of being the one who needed it.
The following Monday was my re-arranged trip to England to visit my friends, i never slept very much the night before my journey due to anxiety and excitement but i had expected not too, so that was not a problem, the journey down wasn't the nicest six hours i have spent, cramped in a sweltering hot coach, but i got there and was warmly greeted by Nikki and she led the way to the train station, and her partner John met us at the other end to take me back to there home where i was going to be staying for the next week.
Looking back i am so pleased with myself for doing this even as little as six months ago there is no way i would have contemplated such a journey, and i never even thought about it just did it.
Nikki and John have a lovely home, in a stunningly beautiful area, and were the perfect hosts made me feel very welcome and at ease. I was unsure how easily i would fit in having only spent a few days in there company before but it was wonderful we got on very well, and they are a lot of fun to be with.
We travelled a lot during the week to various places, Bridgenorth, Stratford upon Avon, Warwick Castle, Much Wenlock, and Wales. All places were well chose as they all were beautifully scenic, plenty to see and do. All in all my first holiday in a long time was a total success and i cant wait to visit again, the journey home was much  more pleasant the coach was cooler and i managed to doze away most of the trip, but to be honest if i could have i would have chosen to stay on for  little longer.
After a fantastic week i was hoping my motivation and get up and go would have returned, unfortunately it has not, i am struggling to get out my daily walk and my appetite is for all the wrong things. I skipped weight watchers this week and although i am determined to go next Tuesday at the moment i don't want to, it is as if my sub conscious is playing with me again and turning me away from the things i know are good for me. Is strange to say the least, i haven't been taking photo's since i returned and i therefore have been lapsed on keeping my photo journal up to date, i have stopped jogging (although this may be a good move due to sore hip) i have not been walking enough and eating all the wrong things. It is internal sabotage :)
Nikki has agreed to nag me and to keep reminding me and hopefully this phase will pass but it is not new too me and has caught me in the past dragging me down and leaving me in a dark place. I am stronger now than i have ever been and for the first time in a long time i can honestly say i like myself, so this time i wont let old habits win i shall keep on with what in know is good for me until i enjoy it again.
Whilst i was away my Uncle passed away, he was a good age and would not of gotten out of hospital after a bad fall, so was a blessing. He was a lovely man and a great character, it is his funeral on Friday, and hopefully this will be the last of them for the next wee while.

So another not so good week has past, i cant say bad week these days, as i can still remember my bad weeks and the week past doesn't even compare.
My gran is still hanging on 6 days after being given 48hrs left to live, she is a tough old bird, she is comfortable and in no pain, just sleeping her final days away, not a bad way to go. I'd like to think she is having fantastic dreams and that is the reason she is sticking around.
I'm late in writing this as i was on a downer and every word i typed was negative and i did not want it to be that way. I have struggled with what's going on it had triggered a bit of a dip in my mood and within that i had started to revert back to old habits, mostly eating a lot of junk food and doing a lot less exercise than i had been of late.
Today was supposed to be my weekly weight watchers weigh in, but i could not face going knowing what i had eaten the week past and imagining what the scales were going to say. I sent a message to my leader and got a very encouraging, supportive reply, and because of that i think that all going well i shall go and get weighed in tomorrow morning instead.
I am back on track today, had a good walk, and have refrained from cakes/sweets/crisps etc so things are definitely back on the right road.
I have recently rekindled my interest in Buddhism through a book i bought called " The Places That Scare You" written by Pema Chodron It is exactly what i've been needing an inspirational book written from a Buddhist stand on how to conquer fears using ur beliefs. I am not a Buddhist as such but it is something i keep coming back to time and time again and provides me with a great deal of benefit when things aren't going so good. So maybe i should consider taking it a bit more seriously.
I would very much like to live within Samye Ling (the buddhist centre i have attended in the past) for a few months to experience what it would be like to do so, volunteering in the kitchens, and being able to study and meditate in a supported environment. Will need to look into it i think.
As for this coming week i think it's going to be a whole lot better, i feel emotionally stronger i have slept better the past two nights, and i am better prepared for what lies in wait.
Unfortunately i had to postpone my visit down South for obvious reasons, but it has worked out well as i am now going in a little over a fortnight and staying for a full week. Good times!

This week has been a bit of a tough one, the realisation that my gran will soon be leaving us has hit home a little harder than expected. Is easy to say it is for the best (which it is) but it is still a sad time as she struggles.
Had some really good days all the same, Tuesday i got weighed again and had lost another 2lbs, this week though i have been eating a lot more and comfort eating more than past weeks, so will see what happens come Tuesday this coming week.
After the weigh in i went a wonderful walk with my dad, around the Loch Doon area and got some cracking pictures, was around abouts 13 miles in total.
I have walked around 5 miles a day this week which i am very pleased with, i find that when i'm feeling very low, or anxious a brisk march takes the edge off and i am more mellow which is always a good thing.
As i said it has been tough found out on Friday evening that my gran has had another stroke, and if there is no sign of improvement by Monday, they are going to remove her drip and letter nature take it's course, i do hope that this is how it plays out as she has more than certainly been through enough.
My brother popped round for a little visit last night and i felt better after having some good company, as it's been a lonely few nights, but i will get back on form soon i'm sure.
To morn is natural, but Friday night was dark even by my standards, old thoughts of self harm rearing there ugly head, of course nothing i acted on, i simply went to bed very early.
Last night i slept for a full 9 hours, and went out a walk along the beach, is a fine day here after a frosty start, and it was good to stretch my legs after a full nights sleep, and today is a better day, hopefully tomorrow even more so.
That's about all i have this week, will have some adventures this week so i have something to write next week!
Is only one more week until i head down to England, and although things are a little dark this week, i am very much still looking forward to that :)

Another week gone by very quick again, this week has been mostly consumed by by walking, have marched my way through around 39 miles in the 5 days that i headed out, so far, and intend another 6 miles out to visit my parents later today, is such a fantastic feeling to be able to walk such distances, i find it amazing how my body has recovered from the past decade of outright abuse i inflicted upon it.
I lost another 3lbs last week, so that is 33lbs in total and i am already over the 10% mark which means i have lost 10% of my entire body weight in a little over two months, which i am obviously delighted with.
On Monday this week, i met my mate Chris after a ten mile march, we had coffee, and then decided it was such a nice day we would find a beer garden and have a pint, is always a pleasure to meet Chris, he is always so positive, and full of ideas, i find spending time with him always leaves me motivated, so much so was this true on Monday that i decided to walk out to my parents, which took my total miles covered on Monday to 14!!
Tuesday was slightly less active but i still covered 5 miles, and 11000 steps, not quite the 37,000 from the day before but still bloody good.
Wednesday i met a couple of friends who were also down in Ayr for a few days, John and Kat they are also wonderful friends and i had a great time walking along the beach with them both John with his chip roll in hand :~) And went a little further than normal, made it too the 7 mile mark roughly.
Repeated that walk on Thursday and Friday, Fri was the day i reached 100 pictures published on my Blipfoto journal, and although i did not get the shot i had intended, it was still well received and i got some lovely congratulatory comments.
Sat was my day of rest, and i forced myself to do very little is funny how quickly things change, not too long ago i was 'forcing' myself to get out, and now i have to force myself to stay in and rest :) although i stayed in to rest, i wasn't idle, i started writing with a view of putting a book together, it has been suggested to me a good few times and i think it is a good idea although i am unsure of where to go for help, with my limited knowledge of putting a book together, if anyone would like to read what i have written so far please let me know in comments.
I did receive some sad news this week, my gran is very ill, she has suffered from dementia for a good number of years, and is finally on the road out i think. I have said my goodbye's to my gran a while ago, as the woman left is such a different person, she does not know me, or enjoy me being around her as she is not so fond of men anymore, it is too painful to spend time when neither of us want me there, soo i shan't be visiting her in hospital, as i would rather keep the fantastic memories of my gran that i love, and not the frail old woman who is left, and i believe she would want the same.
Sad news aside it has been an awesome week and I'm looking forward to enjoying the next.

Has been a bloody quick week this past one, and another good one!
Sunday to Tuesday were pretty much written off due to attack of MANFLU version 2.0 second bout in two months so wasn't impressed.
I did go to get weighed in on Tuesday and have lost another 3lbs which takes the weight watcher total to 30lbs lost and only another 2lbs to get to the 10% body weight loss :~)
I have been pleasantly surprised that even though i have been under the weather and at times my sleep pattern has been terrible, my mood has been constantly positive, i am taking this as very much a step forward for me and now feel a lot stronger in my ability to plan things in advance as i can trust that my mood is not as likely to just slip.
Wednesday my aunt took me out for lunch, a nice drive and a tasty lunch was had.
Thursday was just a day around the flat housework and boring stuff like that, but was looking forward to Friday as my brother was bringing a friend round and we were gonna have a wee drink before they went out.
He did not make it out we ended up getting decidedly pished, and he spent the night on the couch was really good fun and i do hope we repeat it with a little less alcohol.
Also on Friday i booked bus tickets to go and visit my friends, who were up here the other week, very excited about it, will be the longest trip i've taken in 7 yrs and first time south of the border in 16 years.
I do occasionally have to stop and check myself to make sure that i'm not imagining that i am able to get on with things the way i have been recently. After all it was only a few years ago i struggled stepping foot over the door, and matter of a year ago that walking out the scheme caused such a violent panic attack that i was physically sick.
Look at me now :~)
And if i can do this who knows...........................................?

Another week another blog, this past week has been great!
I went to Arran to show my friends, Nikki and John what all the fuss was about, i was disappointed in the weather as it was dull, with the peaks all cloud covered, but they both agreed that they liked it like that said it felt like the Scotland they had expected to see. We went to Brodick and Lamlash and had a great time wandering and enjoying the Isle, and i believe a return visit is on the cards.
Tuesday i had to get Terri back as my mum was baby sitting and i got a nurse of young Erin she has to be the most contented baby i've known, adorable. Then it was back to mine, for a visit from my c.p.n, my new c.p.n who seems to be very nice and i think we will get on great, although, as i am on such good form at the moment i wouldn't be surprised if he thought there is and never has been anything wrong with me :~) Then John and Nikki came round for coffee, and took myself and Terri out a drive to Troon, it wasn't the best of weather and they weren't as impressed with the town as they are with Ayr, but Terri loved her wee walk along the beach.
That night we went out for dinner to Ceccinis which is a very nice Italian restaurant in centre of Ayr and had a lovely meal. That was my time up with my new friends for now but i intend going to visit them on their home turf in the imminent future, should be fun.
Wednesday was an awful morning although it brightened in the afternoon i used the morning weather as an excuse to have a very lazy day.
Thursday i hadn't slept too well the night before (probably due to doing nothing all Wednesday) but decided to go out a walk that had been recommended by a friend was a lovely morning and i managed 9 miles of a much longer walk, is the furthest i have been in a very long time.
Friday i suspected I'd be stiff and sore from yesterday's walk but was very pleased that i had no ill effects and managed a walk out to Kincaidston, another 5 miles, and had a delicious dinner, just me and my dad which doesn't happen very often so was nice.
Yesterday i went a walk along the beach, but was windy and rainy, was a very temperamental day, rain and wind off and on all day, i found that although i wasn't suffering any pain from my exertions the past few days my legs were just tired out and didn't agree with the full walk i had planned, still managed a good 5 miles though. Then home and some housework, before rather annoyingly falling asleep for two hours which will be the reason i haven't slept at all so far tonight.
Looking like today is going to be lazy day, it's been raining heavily all night and i reckon it may well continue.

My attitude towards food seems to be changing as the season does, now that it's getting darker, and a bit wilder outdoors, I'm back to being tempted into comfort eating, it certainly isn't to do with my mood this time as although i have problems financially which would have brought me down in the past, i am still on top form, i guess it is just old habits dieing hard, but die they shall.

This week has flown past, and has been a good one.
I have done a lot of walking, as i had a poor week last, i was determined to get motivated and give myself the proverbial kick up the bum, to get my focus back and my healthy head back on. I gave myself Sunday as a rest day and had a lazy one.
On Monday i met my mum for coffee and she suggested we walked out to Kincaidston for dinner, is a 5 mile walk so a good re-introduction to the world of walking, and i was pleasantly surprised that i managed the walk at a good pace without much difficulty. Had a lovely dinner too.
Tuesday my C.P.N Laura was visiting and we had a good chat she was pleased that i was getting back on track, and put my slip in mood and sleep pattern down man-flu 2010 which was still lingering in the form of a cough(which has now also gone:)) I also had a reasonable 5 hours sleep the night before which was great even if it did mean i missed my weight watchers weigh in. I weighed in on my Wii Fit and had put on 3lbs according to it, which made me more determined than ever.
Wednesday my sister came and took me out in the car for a run, and to Dobbies i like it there love imagining what i would have i my garden if i had one, and admiring all the exotic fish and reptiles, was brilliant. In the evening i went to watch my younger brother play rugby which was fun, he played very well and they won! I walked home from the rugby to get my step count up, and that was another 4 miles under my belt.
Thursday was a rest day as was feeling the effects from the previous three days exertions.
Friday The weather was starting to get colder but bright along with it, which to be honest suits me far better than the heat of a good summer. I made it along the beach.
Yesterday was a great day, got a lovely surprise, two friends who i have known online for some time and who were supposed to be coming up to visit today decided the weather was too good to miss and came up to visit a day early, cue some frantic tidying as i am not the best at keeping on top of my housework, they are as lovely in person as the impression i got through our online conversations, and we settled in to blethering away like old friends who have known one another for years from the start, really was brilliant to meet them. I also got to spend some time with my friends who were recently married they both seem so happy and it was a delight to catch up with them as well, as is becoming a very bad habit, not catching up with my friends often enough, they don't live so far away, i need to make more of an effort.
Oh also this week clothes arrived that i had ordered, i bought them intending to put them away for when i lost a bit more weight, but low and behold they FIT! What a wonderful feeling and great motivation to get my arse back into gear.
All in all it has been a great week, and Nikki and John are here till Wednesday so more fun to be had i think.
I have one moan that i shall mention briefly and that is over my laptop, again the motherboard has failed, only one month on after it being fixed, fortunately the pc tech is honoring his word and the work needing done will fall under the warranty. It did make me search a good bit harder online though and discovered it is a much reported fault with HP and HP COMPAQ laptops, the nvidia chip burns out the motherboard within the first 1-2 years in 1 in 7 laptops i think it is shocking that such a company can get away with being so neglectful, in there treatment of there customers as too knowingly sell machines with this fault to the public, i fell very poorly treated and would urge people too avoid any HP product as they are a unsavoury bunch.

Otherwise fab week :)

It's 5.30am on Sunday morning and i haven't slept yet, and Friday night i only got around 90 mins. Not been a good week.
It started well with me getting over man-flu 2010 with just a bit of a cough remaining, Got weighed on Tuesday morning and, had lost another 3lbs taking me up to 20lbs in five weeks which i was over the moon about!
Made the mistake of having a few beers two nights in a row, didn't go crazy, had been craving a drink for a while so was my treat to myself. Was a bad move as i always forget, i get down for a few days  even after a handful of beers, so my exercise routine is out the window i'm comfort eating although i am getting a hold on  eating the past few nights have been tough, i mean when i'm awake all night i want to eat which means i have an extra 8 hours to try and keep tabs on, when all i want to do is eat cake.
Been feeling very lethargic again, just cant get motivated. I know what i need to do, it's just a matter of setting myself in a forward direction, but all i want to do today is wallow, perhaps sleep, sleep would be nice :)
It's as if i'm trying to sabotage myself again, i'm not giving up though i may take a rest day today, but by this time next week i'll be telling you how i'm kicking ass again!
I do not expect to lose this week in fact i'll be lucky if i don't put weight on, but we'll see.

Well this week has been a dull one, done very little due to man-flu issues, my mood has been level and good even though i've not left the flat very much at all.
Tuesday was my weigh in with weight watchers and i lost another pound and a half which is great as i really had done very little exercise at all, so that takes my weight loss total to 15 and 1/2 lbs in a month which i am bloody over the moon about!
Not expecting to lose much this week as it's not been a good week i've had the problem of being bored which always leads me too overeating and totally binging on the wrong kinds of foods too, in other words, i ate cake!!
And bloody tasty it was too, but i've been good most days and think that i should be ok.
My relationship with food has been an unhealthy one all my life, when i hurt myself as a child i was given a sweet to make it better and still associate sweets with comfort and safety. I started putting on weight when i started working as a chef and had to stop playing rugby, the weight slowly started to build.
It wasn't an issue until i was put on certain meds (Amatryptiline, Resperidone, Lithium) When i was on these pills i ballooned and could put on as much as two stone in a year. When i had a spell of good health i decided to try a break from my meds and slowly came off them all, the change was instant and lost 4 and 1/2 stone in under 6 months without really being on an actual diet, it was at that point something inside me panicked and i reverted to my old eating habits and it all piled back on with a little extra for good measure, what went wrong i have no idea, i just think i'd spent so long being fat that anything else was venturing in too the unknown and i was no good at that.
This time i'm much more determined and in a far more stable state of mind this time i will not arse it up!