Been a few weeks since i last posted anything, has been pretty hectic, some highs and lows, fortunately more highs.
My Gran passed three weeks ago, she went peacefully with her daughters by her bedside. Her Funeral was the following week and was a fitting tribute to a wonderful lady, i'd like to think she would have approved.
I got through it and the gathering afterwards no problem at all, and it felt really good to be able to offer support to my loved ones instead of being the one who needed it.
The following Monday was my re-arranged trip to England to visit my friends, i never slept very much the night before my journey due to anxiety and excitement but i had expected not too, so that was not a problem, the journey down wasn't the nicest six hours i have spent, cramped in a sweltering hot coach, but i got there and was warmly greeted by Nikki and she led the way to the train station, and her partner John met us at the other end to take me back to there home where i was going to be staying for the next week.
Looking back i am so pleased with myself for doing this even as little as six months ago there is no way i would have contemplated such a journey, and i never even thought about it just did it.
Nikki and John have a lovely home, in a stunningly beautiful area, and were the perfect hosts made me feel very welcome and at ease. I was unsure how easily i would fit in having only spent a few days in there company before but it was wonderful we got on very well, and they are a lot of fun to be with.
We travelled a lot during the week to various places, Bridgenorth, Stratford upon Avon, Warwick Castle, Much Wenlock, and Wales. All places were well chose as they all were beautifully scenic, plenty to see and do. All in all my first holiday in a long time was a total success and i cant wait to visit again, the journey home was much  more pleasant the coach was cooler and i managed to doze away most of the trip, but to be honest if i could have i would have chosen to stay on for  little longer.
After a fantastic week i was hoping my motivation and get up and go would have returned, unfortunately it has not, i am struggling to get out my daily walk and my appetite is for all the wrong things. I skipped weight watchers this week and although i am determined to go next Tuesday at the moment i don't want to, it is as if my sub conscious is playing with me again and turning me away from the things i know are good for me. Is strange to say the least, i haven't been taking photo's since i returned and i therefore have been lapsed on keeping my photo journal up to date, i have stopped jogging (although this may be a good move due to sore hip) i have not been walking enough and eating all the wrong things. It is internal sabotage :)
Nikki has agreed to nag me and to keep reminding me and hopefully this phase will pass but it is not new too me and has caught me in the past dragging me down and leaving me in a dark place. I am stronger now than i have ever been and for the first time in a long time i can honestly say i like myself, so this time i wont let old habits win i shall keep on with what in know is good for me until i enjoy it again.
Whilst i was away my Uncle passed away, he was a good age and would not of gotten out of hospital after a bad fall, so was a blessing. He was a lovely man and a great character, it is his funeral on Friday, and hopefully this will be the last of them for the next wee while.

So another not so good week has past, i cant say bad week these days, as i can still remember my bad weeks and the week past doesn't even compare.
My gran is still hanging on 6 days after being given 48hrs left to live, she is a tough old bird, she is comfortable and in no pain, just sleeping her final days away, not a bad way to go. I'd like to think she is having fantastic dreams and that is the reason she is sticking around.
I'm late in writing this as i was on a downer and every word i typed was negative and i did not want it to be that way. I have struggled with what's going on it had triggered a bit of a dip in my mood and within that i had started to revert back to old habits, mostly eating a lot of junk food and doing a lot less exercise than i had been of late.
Today was supposed to be my weekly weight watchers weigh in, but i could not face going knowing what i had eaten the week past and imagining what the scales were going to say. I sent a message to my leader and got a very encouraging, supportive reply, and because of that i think that all going well i shall go and get weighed in tomorrow morning instead.
I am back on track today, had a good walk, and have refrained from cakes/sweets/crisps etc so things are definitely back on the right road.
I have recently rekindled my interest in Buddhism through a book i bought called " The Places That Scare You" written by Pema Chodron It is exactly what i've been needing an inspirational book written from a Buddhist stand on how to conquer fears using ur beliefs. I am not a Buddhist as such but it is something i keep coming back to time and time again and provides me with a great deal of benefit when things aren't going so good. So maybe i should consider taking it a bit more seriously.
I would very much like to live within Samye Ling (the buddhist centre i have attended in the past) for a few months to experience what it would be like to do so, volunteering in the kitchens, and being able to study and meditate in a supported environment. Will need to look into it i think.
As for this coming week i think it's going to be a whole lot better, i feel emotionally stronger i have slept better the past two nights, and i am better prepared for what lies in wait.
Unfortunately i had to postpone my visit down South for obvious reasons, but it has worked out well as i am now going in a little over a fortnight and staying for a full week. Good times!

This week has been a bit of a tough one, the realisation that my gran will soon be leaving us has hit home a little harder than expected. Is easy to say it is for the best (which it is) but it is still a sad time as she struggles.
Had some really good days all the same, Tuesday i got weighed again and had lost another 2lbs, this week though i have been eating a lot more and comfort eating more than past weeks, so will see what happens come Tuesday this coming week.
After the weigh in i went a wonderful walk with my dad, around the Loch Doon area and got some cracking pictures, was around abouts 13 miles in total.
I have walked around 5 miles a day this week which i am very pleased with, i find that when i'm feeling very low, or anxious a brisk march takes the edge off and i am more mellow which is always a good thing.
As i said it has been tough found out on Friday evening that my gran has had another stroke, and if there is no sign of improvement by Monday, they are going to remove her drip and letter nature take it's course, i do hope that this is how it plays out as she has more than certainly been through enough.
My brother popped round for a little visit last night and i felt better after having some good company, as it's been a lonely few nights, but i will get back on form soon i'm sure.
To morn is natural, but Friday night was dark even by my standards, old thoughts of self harm rearing there ugly head, of course nothing i acted on, i simply went to bed very early.
Last night i slept for a full 9 hours, and went out a walk along the beach, is a fine day here after a frosty start, and it was good to stretch my legs after a full nights sleep, and today is a better day, hopefully tomorrow even more so.
That's about all i have this week, will have some adventures this week so i have something to write next week!
Is only one more week until i head down to England, and although things are a little dark this week, i am very much still looking forward to that :)

Another week gone by very quick again, this week has been mostly consumed by by walking, have marched my way through around 39 miles in the 5 days that i headed out, so far, and intend another 6 miles out to visit my parents later today, is such a fantastic feeling to be able to walk such distances, i find it amazing how my body has recovered from the past decade of outright abuse i inflicted upon it.
I lost another 3lbs last week, so that is 33lbs in total and i am already over the 10% mark which means i have lost 10% of my entire body weight in a little over two months, which i am obviously delighted with.
On Monday this week, i met my mate Chris after a ten mile march, we had coffee, and then decided it was such a nice day we would find a beer garden and have a pint, is always a pleasure to meet Chris, he is always so positive, and full of ideas, i find spending time with him always leaves me motivated, so much so was this true on Monday that i decided to walk out to my parents, which took my total miles covered on Monday to 14!!
Tuesday was slightly less active but i still covered 5 miles, and 11000 steps, not quite the 37,000 from the day before but still bloody good.
Wednesday i met a couple of friends who were also down in Ayr for a few days, John and Kat they are also wonderful friends and i had a great time walking along the beach with them both John with his chip roll in hand :~) And went a little further than normal, made it too the 7 mile mark roughly.
Repeated that walk on Thursday and Friday, Fri was the day i reached 100 pictures published on my Blipfoto journal, and although i did not get the shot i had intended, it was still well received and i got some lovely congratulatory comments.
Sat was my day of rest, and i forced myself to do very little is funny how quickly things change, not too long ago i was 'forcing' myself to get out, and now i have to force myself to stay in and rest :) although i stayed in to rest, i wasn't idle, i started writing with a view of putting a book together, it has been suggested to me a good few times and i think it is a good idea although i am unsure of where to go for help, with my limited knowledge of putting a book together, if anyone would like to read what i have written so far please let me know in comments.
I did receive some sad news this week, my gran is very ill, she has suffered from dementia for a good number of years, and is finally on the road out i think. I have said my goodbye's to my gran a while ago, as the woman left is such a different person, she does not know me, or enjoy me being around her as she is not so fond of men anymore, it is too painful to spend time when neither of us want me there, soo i shan't be visiting her in hospital, as i would rather keep the fantastic memories of my gran that i love, and not the frail old woman who is left, and i believe she would want the same.
Sad news aside it has been an awesome week and I'm looking forward to enjoying the next.

Has been a bloody quick week this past one, and another good one!
Sunday to Tuesday were pretty much written off due to attack of MANFLU version 2.0 second bout in two months so wasn't impressed.
I did go to get weighed in on Tuesday and have lost another 3lbs which takes the weight watcher total to 30lbs lost and only another 2lbs to get to the 10% body weight loss :~)
I have been pleasantly surprised that even though i have been under the weather and at times my sleep pattern has been terrible, my mood has been constantly positive, i am taking this as very much a step forward for me and now feel a lot stronger in my ability to plan things in advance as i can trust that my mood is not as likely to just slip.
Wednesday my aunt took me out for lunch, a nice drive and a tasty lunch was had.
Thursday was just a day around the flat housework and boring stuff like that, but was looking forward to Friday as my brother was bringing a friend round and we were gonna have a wee drink before they went out.
He did not make it out we ended up getting decidedly pished, and he spent the night on the couch was really good fun and i do hope we repeat it with a little less alcohol.
Also on Friday i booked bus tickets to go and visit my friends, who were up here the other week, very excited about it, will be the longest trip i've taken in 7 yrs and first time south of the border in 16 years.
I do occasionally have to stop and check myself to make sure that i'm not imagining that i am able to get on with things the way i have been recently. After all it was only a few years ago i struggled stepping foot over the door, and matter of a year ago that walking out the scheme caused such a violent panic attack that i was physically sick.
Look at me now :~)
And if i can do this who knows...........................................?

Another week another blog, this past week has been great!
I went to Arran to show my friends, Nikki and John what all the fuss was about, i was disappointed in the weather as it was dull, with the peaks all cloud covered, but they both agreed that they liked it like that said it felt like the Scotland they had expected to see. We went to Brodick and Lamlash and had a great time wandering and enjoying the Isle, and i believe a return visit is on the cards.
Tuesday i had to get Terri back as my mum was baby sitting and i got a nurse of young Erin she has to be the most contented baby i've known, adorable. Then it was back to mine, for a visit from my c.p.n, my new c.p.n who seems to be very nice and i think we will get on great, although, as i am on such good form at the moment i wouldn't be surprised if he thought there is and never has been anything wrong with me :~) Then John and Nikki came round for coffee, and took myself and Terri out a drive to Troon, it wasn't the best of weather and they weren't as impressed with the town as they are with Ayr, but Terri loved her wee walk along the beach.
That night we went out for dinner to Ceccinis which is a very nice Italian restaurant in centre of Ayr and had a lovely meal. That was my time up with my new friends for now but i intend going to visit them on their home turf in the imminent future, should be fun.
Wednesday was an awful morning although it brightened in the afternoon i used the morning weather as an excuse to have a very lazy day.
Thursday i hadn't slept too well the night before (probably due to doing nothing all Wednesday) but decided to go out a walk that had been recommended by a friend was a lovely morning and i managed 9 miles of a much longer walk, is the furthest i have been in a very long time.
Friday i suspected I'd be stiff and sore from yesterday's walk but was very pleased that i had no ill effects and managed a walk out to Kincaidston, another 5 miles, and had a delicious dinner, just me and my dad which doesn't happen very often so was nice.
Yesterday i went a walk along the beach, but was windy and rainy, was a very temperamental day, rain and wind off and on all day, i found that although i wasn't suffering any pain from my exertions the past few days my legs were just tired out and didn't agree with the full walk i had planned, still managed a good 5 miles though. Then home and some housework, before rather annoyingly falling asleep for two hours which will be the reason i haven't slept at all so far tonight.
Looking like today is going to be lazy day, it's been raining heavily all night and i reckon it may well continue.

My attitude towards food seems to be changing as the season does, now that it's getting darker, and a bit wilder outdoors, I'm back to being tempted into comfort eating, it certainly isn't to do with my mood this time as although i have problems financially which would have brought me down in the past, i am still on top form, i guess it is just old habits dieing hard, but die they shall.

This week has flown past, and has been a good one.
I have done a lot of walking, as i had a poor week last, i was determined to get motivated and give myself the proverbial kick up the bum, to get my focus back and my healthy head back on. I gave myself Sunday as a rest day and had a lazy one.
On Monday i met my mum for coffee and she suggested we walked out to Kincaidston for dinner, is a 5 mile walk so a good re-introduction to the world of walking, and i was pleasantly surprised that i managed the walk at a good pace without much difficulty. Had a lovely dinner too.
Tuesday my C.P.N Laura was visiting and we had a good chat she was pleased that i was getting back on track, and put my slip in mood and sleep pattern down man-flu 2010 which was still lingering in the form of a cough(which has now also gone:)) I also had a reasonable 5 hours sleep the night before which was great even if it did mean i missed my weight watchers weigh in. I weighed in on my Wii Fit and had put on 3lbs according to it, which made me more determined than ever.
Wednesday my sister came and took me out in the car for a run, and to Dobbies i like it there love imagining what i would have i my garden if i had one, and admiring all the exotic fish and reptiles, was brilliant. In the evening i went to watch my younger brother play rugby which was fun, he played very well and they won! I walked home from the rugby to get my step count up, and that was another 4 miles under my belt.
Thursday was a rest day as was feeling the effects from the previous three days exertions.
Friday The weather was starting to get colder but bright along with it, which to be honest suits me far better than the heat of a good summer. I made it along the beach.
Yesterday was a great day, got a lovely surprise, two friends who i have known online for some time and who were supposed to be coming up to visit today decided the weather was too good to miss and came up to visit a day early, cue some frantic tidying as i am not the best at keeping on top of my housework, they are as lovely in person as the impression i got through our online conversations, and we settled in to blethering away like old friends who have known one another for years from the start, really was brilliant to meet them. I also got to spend some time with my friends who were recently married they both seem so happy and it was a delight to catch up with them as well, as is becoming a very bad habit, not catching up with my friends often enough, they don't live so far away, i need to make more of an effort.
Oh also this week clothes arrived that i had ordered, i bought them intending to put them away for when i lost a bit more weight, but low and behold they FIT! What a wonderful feeling and great motivation to get my arse back into gear.
All in all it has been a great week, and Nikki and John are here till Wednesday so more fun to be had i think.
I have one moan that i shall mention briefly and that is over my laptop, again the motherboard has failed, only one month on after it being fixed, fortunately the pc tech is honoring his word and the work needing done will fall under the warranty. It did make me search a good bit harder online though and discovered it is a much reported fault with HP and HP COMPAQ laptops, the nvidia chip burns out the motherboard within the first 1-2 years in 1 in 7 laptops i think it is shocking that such a company can get away with being so neglectful, in there treatment of there customers as too knowingly sell machines with this fault to the public, i fell very poorly treated and would urge people too avoid any HP product as they are a unsavoury bunch.

Otherwise fab week :)

It's 5.30am on Sunday morning and i haven't slept yet, and Friday night i only got around 90 mins. Not been a good week.
It started well with me getting over man-flu 2010 with just a bit of a cough remaining, Got weighed on Tuesday morning and, had lost another 3lbs taking me up to 20lbs in five weeks which i was over the moon about!
Made the mistake of having a few beers two nights in a row, didn't go crazy, had been craving a drink for a while so was my treat to myself. Was a bad move as i always forget, i get down for a few days  even after a handful of beers, so my exercise routine is out the window i'm comfort eating although i am getting a hold on  eating the past few nights have been tough, i mean when i'm awake all night i want to eat which means i have an extra 8 hours to try and keep tabs on, when all i want to do is eat cake.
Been feeling very lethargic again, just cant get motivated. I know what i need to do, it's just a matter of setting myself in a forward direction, but all i want to do today is wallow, perhaps sleep, sleep would be nice :)
It's as if i'm trying to sabotage myself again, i'm not giving up though i may take a rest day today, but by this time next week i'll be telling you how i'm kicking ass again!
I do not expect to lose this week in fact i'll be lucky if i don't put weight on, but we'll see.

Well this week has been a dull one, done very little due to man-flu issues, my mood has been level and good even though i've not left the flat very much at all.
Tuesday was my weigh in with weight watchers and i lost another pound and a half which is great as i really had done very little exercise at all, so that takes my weight loss total to 15 and 1/2 lbs in a month which i am bloody over the moon about!
Not expecting to lose much this week as it's not been a good week i've had the problem of being bored which always leads me too overeating and totally binging on the wrong kinds of foods too, in other words, i ate cake!!
And bloody tasty it was too, but i've been good most days and think that i should be ok.
My relationship with food has been an unhealthy one all my life, when i hurt myself as a child i was given a sweet to make it better and still associate sweets with comfort and safety. I started putting on weight when i started working as a chef and had to stop playing rugby, the weight slowly started to build.
It wasn't an issue until i was put on certain meds (Amatryptiline, Resperidone, Lithium) When i was on these pills i ballooned and could put on as much as two stone in a year. When i had a spell of good health i decided to try a break from my meds and slowly came off them all, the change was instant and lost 4 and 1/2 stone in under 6 months without really being on an actual diet, it was at that point something inside me panicked and i reverted to my old eating habits and it all piled back on with a little extra for good measure, what went wrong i have no idea, i just think i'd spent so long being fat that anything else was venturing in too the unknown and i was no good at that.
This time i'm much more determined and in a far more stable state of mind this time i will not arse it up!

Well another week has flown past, glad to say the vast majority of it has been great!
The week started well with a relaxing walk on Sunday and visit to my parents in the evening, is always good to see them although my dad and brother were suffering from a heavy doze of a cold.
Tuesday was my weigh in and again had no anxiety over it as i knew i had lost a good bit of weight six and a half lbs to be exact, that's 15 and a half lbs in total was over the moon!
I had taken Terri(my dog) to parents on Tuesday to be looked after as Wednesday i had plans to go to Arran Tuesday night was a long one no sleep at all, prob due to anxiety over what i had planned for following day. As my plan was to go to Arran on my own, which was a rather big step for me as it meant the journey would include travelling on four trains a bus, and a ferry twice. I was doing it purely to prove to myself that i can get out travelling about and using public transport with little or no panic.  It worked :) even though i had no sleep i made it to and from Arran and went a lovely walk taking some good pictures on the road, all with barely any panic attacks at all.
Was a great day!
The next day Thursday, was a fat day i couldn't stop eating, i even fell for a half price trick with a pack of caramel shortcake enjoyed the first piece but not the rest so why did i eat the bloody things???? Anyway i wrote off Thursday to bad habits and promised myself that over the weekend things would go back to being good to myself and eating well. I have done so.
Got the start of a cold sorry..... Man-flu, on Friday and its gradually gotten worse, and is pretty much keeping me from my exercise routine which isn't so good, and for sure it will affect on my weigh in on Tuesday. Still hoping to lose though even if it's half a lb i'll be happy!
Anyway till next week :)

Well another week has passed, rather swiftly, this one was a bit less eventful although i have still kept busy.
Have been going out good long walks, twice this week i walked from Troon to Ayr which is quite a demanding walk as a fair bit of it is on loose sand, which really makes the leg muscles burn.
Got weighed in at weightwatchers on Tuesday again and my sister came with this week and was definitely nice to have some company. I lost 3lbs last week taking my total loss to 9lbs which i really am happy about.
Another walk i have been doing is from my flat to Greenan castle and back which after tracking in found out is over 6 miles in distance which i was pleasantly surprised by.
I also got my wii fit back from my sister as she hadn't been using it, i love it is great for tracking my weight and i really hope it is accurate as if it is I'm in for quite a big weight loss this week, i have been jogging on the spot for up to 30 minutes at a time, which may not be anywhere near as demanding as going out a run, but is definitely a start which i intend to build on, to the point where I'm confident to go a jog in public. I also do the step workout and incorporate light weights into it to get my upper body working too.
The result of all this exercise isn't exhaustion as u might imagine but an enormous feeling of well being and a great increase in energy i no longer am happy just sitting about all day. Although i do need to remind myself that I'm still very overweight and need to take baby steps and most definitely rest days are needed.
My C.P.N Laura visited on Friday with a man who is to take over my case, he seems really nice and i'm actually quite looking forward to fresh imput, he has already offered to refer me too a local monthly walking group, which will put me in a 'safe' situation for meeting new people and getting out and about Ayr. I will definitely miss my chats with Laura but she is going to continue to visit for a month or two to finish the cognitive therapy she started so will get to say goodbye properly as over the 6 yrs she has been my c.p.n we have formed a friendship.
Anyway this week ahead will involve a lot more exercise and hopefully some travelling too, get weighed on Tuesday again and really got my fingers crossed for a good bit of weight loss.
:~)

Been a week since i last wrote anything, and to be honest i did pretty much forget about this.
Anyway Monday past was a great day, we did go to Arran, myself, dad, brother and sister, wasn't the weather we had been hoping for but a great day was had. We went a walk in Whiting Bay, went to Glenashdale Falls, which are as beautiful as i remember and now they have added a road that let's u get to place called giants graves. Is also a beautiful place and an ancient burial site. I thought i would struggle with this as although i walk a lot i am not used to any sort of incline and these were steep paths. Pleased to say after catching my breath it was a joy no problem at all. we did the walk in under an hour which we were all pleased with.
Then we went for lunch which was lovely if a bit simple. On too Lamlash where we went too Arran Fine Foods where they sell all the Jams mustard's and cheese and the rest of the things they make locally on the island some lovely stuff, i bought a jar of marmalade flavoured with Arran whisky was guid!
The rest of the day was indulgence nice coffee a pint or two was had and then the journey home.
Tuesday was my first weigh in with weightwatchers, i was positive i had lost so no nerves this week and i was right i had lost 6lbs which i was over the moon about. Don't think i lose anywhere near that this week done a little less walking and a good bit more eating but still hoping to lose a pound or two.
The rest of the week was pretty mundane not a lot to do tight for cash due too Island prices :)
Still doing great though and as usual with any spell of good health i start thinking to the future, where do i go from here is always running through my mind, in the past when i'v had a few months of a level healthy mood i have jumped into starting work or some sort or studying, but this time i'm holding back a little as in those instances it's done me more long term harm than good, have worked for however long then relapsed to a position where i was worse off than before. So this time i'm going to enjoy being well for a while longer before reconsidering my situation. Whats the point in rushing into something i know might end up doing me more harm than good.
Anyway that's been my week :)

So Tuesday past i joined weight watchers, took a fair amount of courage going in as i was on my own, as I'm not so good at dealing with situations which involve strangers or strange surroundings, and this featured both of these elements. Was fine though. I was the only male there but that wasn't an issue as the women were welcoming and friendly was a very positive experience.
That day i walked probably around 6 or 7 miles and the next two days were the same then i guess my exertions caught up with me as the past two days have been very lazy as i was so tired only managing very short walks, but today i went out to visit my parents, took my dog as they are looking after her for the next two nights as for a change i actually have plans! Whilst i was there my brother brought down wrist weights for me too use whilst walking and asked if i wanted a couple of plastic moulded weights he doesn't use anymore, i said yes please.
So i decided to walk home from Kincaidston, and was sure i could manage with the wrist weights on (only 2lbs each) and the two dumbbells in my backpack roughly 3 kg each, now that's not a lot of weight but when u consider i already carry around over 8 stones of extra padding around with me it all adds up..... adds up to one incredibly shattered 29 year old who is now thinking it was a not so good idea! But i did manage the 4.6 miles home so quite pleased with myself :)
So my plans for the next two days, an early train to Ardrossan tomorrow morning to catch the ferry to Arran for a day out with my sister, brother, and dad. Which will be loads of fun especially as it is forecast for another lovely day.
Then Tuesday is my next weigh in with weight watchers at 9am and then I'm off up to Glasgow to meet Lindy for a coffee and a hypnotherapy session which will be great :)
All of this is happening to someone who less than 3 yrs ago would barely leave his flat, and would not go anywhere on his own.
It's fab!!!!!!!!

Yes today after 8 nights of unlock able door, it's fixed! Never thought such an obvious necessity would take over a week to get fixed but boy oh boy the relief and utter joy now that it's done WOOO HOOOO!
Just sod's law it's p'ing down outside and i have no inclination to go anywhere now that i can.
Anyway i have been quite impressed with myself for handling the situation on my own, and glad that it didnt need to go as far as making official complaint and whatnot as my land lady is a nice person and was just out to save a small fortune , unfortunatly it was at my expence.
Today a friend of mine is going in for an operation so 'm going to go and meditate on his well being and quick recovery.

So today was the day my door was supposed to be getting fixed. No joy there yet again, disappointingly the part needed is going to take two day's to arrive, so another two day's of feeling ill at at ease and incredibly bored due to the forced confinement but hey!
So I've been being pro-active and searching the net for housing advice, as i want to move on from this place, it's served me well but I'm not happy with the recent treatment from the landlady.
It seems though that to get any chance of a council property i need to make myself homeless, which is not an appealing thought as I'd have to accept the first property they offer me which could be anywhere. There seems to be plenty of provisions for drug addicts and alcoholics, but not a lot of options for people with mental health problems. If i was to be given a property in a rough/noisy/troublesome area then it really could affect my illness as it did when i had some not so nice neighbours living above me a few years ago, almost was forced into being a witness in a domestic abuse case, which was a very stressful time for me. The wife would have had my sympathy if she hadn't burst her husbands nose open the night before with a frying pan (such a cliche).
Anyway that kind of thing is why i wont be making myself homeless unless there's some sort of provision for people who need secure and stable accomodation, cant risk living beside a drug dealer/user. Seems to be a gap in the support system there.
Anyway dog is looking hungrily at me better go.

Well it's been a couple of day's since my last post, and four day's since my front door broke. I'm still unable to lock my door which is a bit of a bugger, feeling a bit anxious and paranoid about it, waiting on some big axe weilding maniac to come clattering in (not quite).
Feel a litttle bit hard done too as i'v lived in this flat with same landlords for five and a half years and had to call them out for very little, so would have appreciated a quick resolution of this situation, but not to be. A joiner is coming tomorrow at 10am to fit a new door so fingers crossed for that.
Altough i'v had quite a few things happen recently that in years past would have knocked me off kilter, maybe put me in a downward depressive spiral, that has not happened, i'm sleeping well and downright jolly :o)
It never used to take much too put me into a downer, but nowadays i'm feeling much stronger and more in control, is great.
Oh and it looks like my bad luck run is over as i managed to fix the laptop sent to me by my friends, and now have the internet at my disposal :) My own machine is in for repair.

Today has or yesterday rather looking at the time. Yesterday was a hectic day, as i wrote a few days ago i have successfully managed to break two laptops and then today as i was coming home from walking the dog, the mechanism in my front door broke don't know how or why it happened but left me completely unable to secure or even close my front door.
So i tried to get in touch with my landlady, but to no avail, there was no answer at the number i had for her. My brother kindly came out to lend his support and to allow me to walk the dog and get to the shops.
So we decided since we were stuck in and bored we would gut the flat starting one room at a time, which was great as it's so much easier to get motivated into cleaning when u have some company and Stuart really did work his ass off and has stayed for the night.
So although things today were a bit of a mess it really did turn into an enjoyable day and my mood at the moment is damn good, long may it last!
Sleep would be nice though :)

Yesterday I got a gift from two friends, probably the most generous gift iv received in a long time. It was a laptop, friends old one which still worked and I was to use as I saw fit.
So I got it and thought I'd try and upgrade it a little with parts from my broken laptop got it working with my hard drive, and added some extra ram, was feeling rather pleased with myself as I just had the closing up to do. Then as my shaky hands were hovering over the machine it happened, i dropped a screw into the body of the computer, I quickly angled it to tip it out the way it went in but was too late it'd gotten trapped in the fan.
Needless to say the laptop won't start and I'm left with two machines needing repaired, thankfully my friends saw the funny side of it and had quite a laugh, which helped me get over my anger at myself.
Anyway that mistake should be fixable at least :0)
Besides massacring laptops, iv slept much better the past two nights and I'm feeling the benefits of that, walking to my parents later this afternoon, so looking forward to that too.

That has been my reply to being asked, 'how are you?' for the past few days, as over the past four nights iv had roughly ten hours sleep . Not great. But I'm not letting it stop me, had a not so good day on Saturday, but on Sunday I walked the five miles to my parents house and then spent the day there, bringing my dog home with me on the bus at night, was a good day.
Yesterday my little sister took me a drive to Dunure, had a lovely time , went for a coffee and had a walk around the castle ruins.
Then she took me to asda which is unfamiliar to me and was busy, but even though I felt anxious and uncomfortable I never had an attack, which was a great confidence booster!
Today I'm feeling shattered been awake since 3am, so today may be another lazy day, but that is fine because I'm allowing myself this lazy day and in fact more than likely I'll still end up going a good walk.

I apologise for any mistakes as I'm writing this from my iPod.
Today ain't so good, my beloved laptop I fear has given up the ghost, tried to reboot with discs I bought online, but to no avail.
Anyway that seriously pissed me off and i suppose i'v let that affect me by not just saying it's a replaceable gadget and nothing more,
But I only left the flat today to get food , which isn't uncommon on a Saturday as I like to distance myself from the crowded town and shops on Saturdays, but I didn't even make myself go a walk today, I actually have only spoken over the phone today.
Had option to visit an aunt this afternoon and visit mum this evening but instead I sat in and wallowed in self pity. Have managed to turn something trivial into a trigger for a mood drop, kinda pathetic really.
Anyway tomorrow is defiantly another day and I shall make amends for today.

Today I woke at eight am after a fantastic nine hour sleep binge, I won't lie I did a little dance when I saw the time.
So the day was off to a great start, I then headed out for the bus to Glasgow and got a txt from a friend asking if I wanted to go round his flat before meeting Lindy, I did and was great to catch up. Then I got the subway out to meet my friend lindy, and it was lovely to catch up with her as well.
When I left lindy I was still full of energy and my mood was good, not high just good, so got subway back into centre and headed up to the bus station not quite sure where to go, was thinking Edinburgh and that was confirmed when the bus was sitting there.
An hour on the bus flew by, aided by free wifi :0)
Got off bus in Edinburgh and spent an hour in a park wandering around sitting on benches and chilling. Headed up to castle but the walk knackered me and I couldn't face the crowds in the castle so walked the royal mile instead, was great, then got bus back to Glasgow which caused a cpl of panics but that was because I was tired and not aware of my thoughts, plus the bus was hoachin!
When I arrived in Glasgow I decided not to wait the 30 min on next bus and walked to train station and finished my day trip on the train.
Feeling tired now but very proud of myself, as one of my biggest anxiety triggers are busy buses and trains, today I travelled on 3 busy trains and 3 busy buses.
Today has been a bloody good day, now I shall sleep ;0)

Woke today after five hours sleep feeling worse than when finally fell over.
I don't believe that sleep is all about quantity, I'd have taken two hours of restful sleep over what i got five hours of intermittent restless sleep.
Tomorrow I'm going to Glasgow so today took my dog to my mum who is gonna look after her to let me make a day of it.
Although my mood was very low and I was anxious and tired, I got the dog and myself into a taxi and off too family home.
The greeting I get when i go visit always warms me, my full family are great support to me, and it wasn't too long before my mood was lifting. Being social with people I love can and often does do wonders for my mood.
I'm now home and it feels strangely nice to be dog free though I will miss the company.
If you read this Nikki, yes it was typed whilst in bath ;0)
Off to bed soon for at least a few hours of restful sleep I hope.

It's 13.40 and i haven't slept since i got up yesterday, i feel distinctly zombie like. Last night was tough,i felt depressed and lonely, it's at night my thoughts get nasty, turning self harm into a viable choice, i didn't and never will again hurt myself.
Things didn't get any better when my laptop went into meltdown, and is pretty much dead until the restore discs arrive. So i was left with music and my thoughts, was a long night i can tell you.
 I've managed to assemble my old dell machine which will do for now.
It's  when my sleep pattern slips that my mood starts to play up, but i see my cpn on Friday so hopefully arrange some sedation if need be.
Today i'm gonna be easy on myself, go a walk if i feel up to it but no big deal if not.

Today i went to Glasgow for the first time since before Christmas. This is nothing for most people as it's an hours bus journey away, but for me it's incredibly nerve wracking, i only slept two hours last night and that was probably down to anxiety about my plans.
I fear panicking in public, i find it demoralising and feel embarrassed when it happens. So my anxiety nowadays isn't fear of the actual transport or travelling as such, it's being in a confined space with a lot of people, the instant i walk into a situation like that, be it on a bus, train, a coffee shop or pub. I look around and think people are judging me on my size and the way i look, the chant FUB, FUB, FUB, rings through my head (fat ugly bastard)
This has been ingrained in my psyche for a very long time, i've never really felt deserving or good enough for, anything really, this has worn down on my self image.
I'm working on this with the cognitive behavioural approach and it does really help, as working on it is easy, when these thoughts start instead of withdrawing, look around see if there is any evidence to back up these thoughts, sounds easy right.
Today when i got on the bus, i'd chosen a time i thought would be quiet, wasn't! The chant started i got hotter and hotter and my chest got tighter and tighter, i put my head down, then thought no! look! I looked, people were deep in conversation  or in  there own wee worlds, i calmed a bit slumped into a seat and slept the hours journey.
This approach works for me and when i got home today i went over all the times i panicked and there were no less than twelve times in the 4.5 hours i was out, only 3 went into full attacks.
Overall today was a bloody good day i did something i've been fearing for the past 7 months and nothing bad happened!
I'm going up again on Thursday to meet Lindy for coffee, so i now can look forward to that without quite the same anxiety i'd have felt if it was my first trip up there.

Well after my post on Lethargy, thought I'd let you know whether i pulled off the walk or not........ well i did, not too long yesterday about three miles round journey up the river, but today i went further around 5.5 miles which wasn't bad as I'd rather be doing nothing at all!
Allowed myself a snooze when i got back, and woke feeling decidedly miserable, sometimes happens if I've been in a very deep but short sleep. I wont pay attention and hopefully it'll leave.
Thought i would tell the things that help me day to day these day's and suggest a book that really rang bells with me when i read it and is recommended by Stephen Fry no less :)
The book is called " I Had A Black Dog" by Mathew Johnston ( heres a link to it ) It is about dealing with depression but done with illustrations which when u have no concentration to read the page upon page of info fired at you by doctors, is light reading and inspiring.
It was followed up by "Living With A Black Dog" which was by Mathew and his wife for people caring for someone with depression.
Both entirely excellent and not too expensive either.

Something that keeps me occupied and gives me lot's of enjoyment is social media ie. Twitter, Facebook, Messenger. All of which i spend a fair bit of time on but it was through twitter i'v met some genuinely lovely people who are very supportive, and there is a couple in particular who i chat with most days and I'm going to MEET in real life soon which is very exciting, this couple are becoming good friends which i didn't think was possible through the internet, but they know who they are and they're lovely.

One new addition that keeps me going is photography, i joined Blipfoto two or three months ago and was hooked straight away, it's such a supportive environment everyone encourages you to progress with you're photography, and i now love getting out and taking pictures.

U can add me on twitter through the badge on left and also the Andy D link will take you to my blipfoto journal.

This post is for people who have been newly diagnosed with bipolar disorder or any anxiety, depression related illness. I'm going to write about my experience from the start as i remember it.
I was 17 is when i knew something wasn't right, i worked long hours as a chef, and partied hard most nights, my friends i imagine all thought i was great fun to be around, full of fun and drunken madness, the truth was i couldn't socialise in a busy environment without being drunk. I don't remember what age i was when i had my first panic attack, i do remember i thought i was going to die! Shooting pains in arms and chest, shortness of breath, pounding headache, feeling sick, and needing the toilet, and aching joints, it wasn't fun, but it passed and  although i don't understand why, i never had one in public till after I'd been diagnosed a few years later.
Anyway i knew that i didn't want to be embarrassed with this happening in a busy pub or club so i drank a lot, theres no denying some of those nights were a lot of fun and i had lots of 'friends' but the flip side was the depressions that followed each heavy weekend dark dark moods filled with anger and aggression mostly taken out on family and when i had one my girlfriend.
At work i hid behind smiles and jokes and managed to function ok i think, over the next 3 years things didn't really change much i worked hard and drank my self social, i would get hyper spells where i would do silly things mostly with my money although there was a fair bit of  public nudity on my part, though i cant say that was anything to do with an illness probably just nieveity. I had switched jobs, just to a different restaurant, but now the depressions were getting harder to hide snapping at waitresses i was living on my own, my girlfriend had to put up with a lot of tears and tantrums.
Things finally came to a head when i moved to Glasgow to a job with yet longer working hours, after only 2 months i injured my back and very kindly my girlfriends parents put me up for some time till i found accomodation. It was then i saw my g.p and was put on my first anti depressants unsure of name could have been Citalopram.
With time on my hands i was able to think about things and this didn't help me at first, i was very critical of myself, full of self loathing. After several failed attempts at finding a anti depressant which worked (cant remember names) i was referred to a community psychiatric nurse (cpn) she was able to explain things a lot better and referred me to a psychiatrist, i was 20 now and things were very dark, i blacked out several times (not through alcohol) and one time next thing i knew i was on the pier with rocks in my jacket pocket. This scared me no end, and although up untill now the thought of suicide wasn't an issue it was creeping in to my mind more and more, i found that it was a build up of emotion, the anger and rage directed at myself, feeling worthless and this anxiety would increase to thoughts of self harm then on to suicide. This was happening during sleepless nights, is a very lonely feeling being awake and depressed through the night.
The first time i cut myself i was 20 living back at home with parents, and my mum walked in on me sitting scratching more than cutting my arm with a fairly blunt knife, i had been to see my knew Psych the day before and been told i was "scared of life" and he was gonna put me on beta blockers, i did  not like this man he was had a nasty way about him constantly speaking down to me. When my mum walked in and saw me with knife she called my cpn who arranged for me to be admitted to psychiatric ward for care and assesment, the next two months are a hazy blur to me due to being heavily sedated and switching between anti depressants. I know things continued to get worse untill i admitted something i'd been hiding for over a year, i was hearing voices and seeing things.
This was a huge admition for me as it scared the shit out of me, the voices i heard were my own and a gruff deep males voice which arrived from time to time to tell me how worthless i was and that yes i should throw myself in front of that car. Things i saw were mostly lights and shapes, and steps, handrails, pavements moving when i was walking. I immediatly was put on an anti psychotic (halliperadol), it caused me to go into spasm that contorted my muscles and twisted my head round, which when it happened scared myself and my dad senseless, all it meant was another pill (procycladine). whithin days i was sleeping better and my hallucinations were gone.
I dont remember it but i spent my 21st birthday in hospital and although the head noise had gone my mood was still bad, it was then the new psych suggested trying E.C.T more here i had only a few sessions which after the first one i felt like i'd done ten hrs at gym. But after a handful of sessions i was a new man and was slowly re introdused to home life again.
Unfortunatly this did not last long and the meds i was on for depression did not hold me level the way was hoped so i was back down and after a length of time with no sleep i started cutting myself and burning myself with cigarettes. Was admitted into a different ward this time and yet a new psychiatrist spent another 2 months in here trying new meds for the depression, includin venlafaxine and others i dont remember. But the one that worked was an oldie ( Amitryptiline ) which worked great and again i was released this time into group therapy, was unsure of this at first but would highly rcommend it to anyone as talking things over and discusing the future really does help. Had also been switched to a  new anti psychotic (risperidone) the side effect of this one was that i lost all interest in sex.
Think a year passed before i was back in the ward, had a new cpn who i still have to this day, she listens to me and when things are really bad knows exactly what to do, had gotten to know my psychiatrist too and developed trust in him he listened to my views on meds too. This spell in hospital included my first noted manic experience and a lithium (mood stabiliser) was added to my ever growing collection of pills, was out within a month and back to real life again.
Through out patient appointments a new mood stabiliser was added as lithium wasnt doing the trick on its own Depakote.
By this point i rattled on walking and was a bit of a zombie, the meds were making me so lethargic but i was stable so unwilling to change.
This time i was offered a job and i thought i'm stable why not, it lasted nine months before my mood went again and i was in a different ward and going through it all again and this time i gave e.c.t a shot again and again with dramatic results after 8 sessions this time. I managed to make a family holiday to Arran.
This time i was home for around a year before my mood went again and was rapid cycling where i went from mania to depression in a very short space of time and regularly. This time i took a small overdose of strong painkillers, was not admitted to the ward as they new it wasnt a genuine attempt on my life but a cry for help, so was sent home, and my cpn and a speacialist team increased visits, which did help. The overdose was enough for my mum though she asked me to move out as i have a younger brother and sister and it was too much, i'm sure if i hadn't found somewhere she would have let me stay but it really was for the best.
I have been living on my own now for five and a half years and only been back in hospital once that was 4 years ago :)
A few years ago i realised that medicine alone wasn't going to help me i had to do a lot of the work myself, and through seeing a private hypnotherapist and some real struggles i am getting there, i had a year med free and symptom free,  it did return but i have a better hold of it now i feel i am in control and can live my life even when depressed or hyper.
I also saw a psychologist a couple of years ago and she spent a few weeks using cognitive behavioural therapy on me, and that also was a turning point more here
Am now being given a refresher course in cbt by my cpn which is goin very well it definatly builds confidence in the situations i  have difficulty with.
That was a long post, think i'll leave it here just now and if theres anything i'v missed i'll write again.
Andy

Today has been a day for not doing a whole hell of a lot. I've felt knackered from waking, not a sleepy tired, but a tired feeling that feels like I've ran a hundred miles, and aching muscles to match.
It's a crap way to be and very difficult to just shrug off, at least today it is, tomorrow i shall make myself move staying in my flat two day's in a row is not an option these day's, does me no good at all. I even reverted to lazy eating habits, phoning in a takeaway which didn't make me feel any better.
But tomorrow is another day and i will at least get my arse out a good long walk whether i feel like it or not, as if i don't i could end up slipping again and that i don't need.

Hi today is another day, and my mood is good, no ups no downs which is fantastic!
 Was diagnosed bi-polar 8 years ago after three misdiagnosis, i hate the fact that there is no quick fix or even  permanent relief.
 Only a handful of medicines work for me and if they do there affect only lasts a few months, treatment resistant my doc calls it. So after trying meds alone for years i started looking into alternative therapies, my first try was with homeopathic treatment, unfortunately it didn't work for me so moved onto hypnotherapy. This worked wonders for me and after several sessions focusing on my anxiety and depression i was feeling more confident in myself than i could have ever hoped for.
 Now three years on, i still meet with that therapist (check lindyirving.com if interested, i'm on testemonials page) we have developed a friendship and meet quite regularly for coffee and a chat.
 Way back in the first 3 years i spent quite a bit of time in and out of psychiatric wards, the first time was over my 21st birthday :( and have had to resort to E.C.T on two occasions both times the effects were fantastic though that didn't last either. I feel it has affected my memory there are incidents in my life i should remember but dont, it could just be from lack of stimulus my brain isn't used enough.
 Anyway i'll be using this blog to record my mood not everyday but often, things still get dark but on the whole i think i'm handling it well.
   Andy